There is a lot of stuff going on in my life. Well, not really. Everything is mundane and excitement is only misunderstood agression.
I was good and depressed last night before bed. I am reading new Eggers (What is the What) and I really do love his writing, but it seems to do a great job at pointing out the horrific, but it's always couched within normalcy. I really love that outlook. Palahniuk does a good job of that too. Anyway, all of that was running through my head as I thought about sleep. And I'm convinced that thinking about how sad you are is a wonderful way to feel terrible. Brave new assumption there, I know, but I am pretty sure it's true.
About God, you ask? Well, he's still there, I reckon. I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing. I know some of it isn't meant to be understood, but still....
The biggest stumbling block I have now are those self-checks I perform every few hours to see if I don't believe because I don't want to or if I don't believe because I'm non-committal or I don't know if I believe but am pretty sure I'm working on it. The sublime is in the search? Whatever. Sure, I'll commit to something when I believe it's true, (which is at least some kind of movement from my previous thoughts) I'm just not sure how that will look. Another thought I guess I have is this: How hard must one look for God in order to be counted for credit from Him in the "seeking" category? What a selfish SOB I am. I think that question tells me more about my faith than anything else. If that's the only reason I'm looking, than I certainly haven't found it yet or am even close.
That's all for now. More later if the pen is willing.
I'm fairly convinced that I just bombed a midterm. I wish I didn't think that way but I just do.
Stephen has my name for Xmas. What to get the guy who has everything? A better attitude? A more unique perspective on things? Is that on eBay? Too many question marks? Yes?
I'm heading back to the Mile High state in a week and a half. Go team. Why do I report this, you ask? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm a little nervous or something. Who can say what dangers lurk in the heart of man?
I'm selling a lot of stuff on eBay and making barely any money. I think at this point I've made, oh, about $70. Totally worth it. Only 20 hours of work for barely enough to pay for the gas that it took to buy the crap. Whatever. It's a good experiment.
It's official. I'm back. Part of me wanted to wait until I turned thirty to post another blog (mostly to point out the irony in saying I was going to post everyday and then not doing it) and another part of me felt guilty for not posting everyday so I just avoided posting. But, like punching an elderly woman behind a counter in a small town, you just have to return and get back at it.
After spending the past few days in North Carolina, I can say this: Charlotte is for whiners.
I've had a lot more thoughts on faith, but I fear that using this medium as a means for describing them won't work. I'm just now at a place where I'm convinced I believe in something but if I try to enunciate it it will disappear, like staring at a faint star. You are sure it exists, but when you try to focus on it your eyes can't see it. Truth is that star for me. I see a glimmer of it but everywhere I look closes up over it when I burn my vision towards it. Enough metaphor.
Class is nice. I am learning a lot in it, but I also feel affirmed, like it's okay to have questions about existence and God and everything else. I'm like a boat floating in an ocean but nowhere to anchor...
I've gotten into eBay lately, mostly just buying shit and trying to resell it to people. This is probably the most focused (or organized) I've been with a project in a long time but all I have to show for it is about $50. Which is fine except that I've spent 20 hours working on it so my per hour pay is roughly the same as it is for upper management at the factory where your computer's guts were soldered. On the other hand, I have another job that feeds the beast so all is well.