health & the pursuit of well-being

All around me are familiar faces, worn out places...

2011-08-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

Okay. So here's what happened: we had a boy and named him Robby. So far, he's been pretty cool. He cried a lot when he tried to sleep for about 6 months, we "trained" him, then he got better. And then we got better. He started sleeping more and so did we. This taught me one thing: parents are as crazy as their child's sleep schedule. The first few months were a blur.

But now he's an amazing kid, which is exactly what a parent should say. So how to quantify that? He's pretty much the only thing in this world I would willingly die for. Does that make him or me unique? No.

So I graduated with a degree in nursing and got a job. And somehow, now, it feels insignificant. I know that for the rest of my life I will be a nurse, but it just doesn't seem as important as being a parent. And if I had read or heard those words before I had a kid, it wouldn't have made sense, because the measurement of how good a parent one is seems to be how good one's child is, which I know isn't fair, but how else to determine it? Results are results. Despite that, I think it's safe to say it's impossible to be the best parent ever. Even good parents have crappy kids. And all of this logic might lead one to follow the writer of Ecclesiastes who said, "Everything is meaningless..." Which it might be. One of the major problems about believing in nothing is that you'll fall for nothing.

I know this is getting a bit loquacious, but my point is this: even if everything is meaningless in some cosmic sense, it matters to me now. And that is what matters. And I think that if everyone could have that mindset, and respect that everyone else has that mindset, things would be better.

Enclosed please find a picture of my sister and her husband.

Michael

Sweet Child of Mine

2010-04-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

Dear son:

I think it's important for you to have a glimpse into my mind in the days leading up to your delivery, so I've decided to put a few thoughts into 1's and 0's and forever immortalize them on the internet. You can ask yourself: was my dad a narcissist? And the answer is clearly yes. But more than that, I'm curious as to what MY father was like before I knew him and though I can intellectualize that he was probably similar to the man I met in my teens (or how I view him now), there is something about my presence in this life that has changed him.

So here is my attempt at what life was like without you as well as little nuggets of advice that will probably be pretentious.

1) The world was overall pretty odd, but from what I understand, that's nothing new. Politicians are fighting about taxes and Tea Parties and health care and how they're all corrupt. And again, from what I understand, that's old news. So this is where your dad stands on everything related to politics: everyone can be bought, politics IS a popularity contest, and the United States is still one of the greatest nations on Earth. Why? I can vote however I want, swear at whoever I want, and own whatever I can afford. And that's nice.

2) Your mom and I haven't been to church since Christmas and before that, we hadn't gone in several years. Maybe we're bitter, maybe we're jaded, maybe we just don't know any better, but we also like sleeping on Sundays. Feel free to choose whatever path you want, just don't compromise who you really are (whatever that means to you). As near as I can tell, the sun comes up every day and it rains on the just and the unjust.

3) I love your mom a lot. If it ever seems like I don't, remind me that I do.

4) We did a lot of fun stuff before you got here but I don't really resent you for us having to change that. We waited for a long time before having you and the reason we waited was because we were selfish. We wanted to do everything we could before having the additional responsibilities of kids. We've traveled, gone to concerts and plays (ask your mom about the time we tried to go to Lion King twice), played a ton of video games, gardened, fixed the house and broken the house and overall, we lived the life we wanted to. So life before you was just what we wanted and we expect that life with you will be better. Don't let me down.

5) We want you here. We wanted you here. This was a wonderful time in our lives to bring a child into the world and so we did. That's how we roll. We've found that if we want something, we have to plan for it, work for it, and then get it. There aren't a lot of shortcuts in life and if you find one, great, but don't count on them.

6) Being a teenager is hard.

7) When I was born, my parents threw out all their old records that they thought weren't for kids. I felt like I missed out on so much good stuff. I mean, Dad tossed Dylan, Simon and Garfunkel, the Beatles, and a host of other amazing music that I had to discover on my own. I resented him for it, but now understand: they wanted me as protected as possible. If you ever think we are entirely lame for whatever line in the sand we draw (no dating until 16 or no R-rated movies until you're 9 or no swearing in the house), just know that at one point, we didn't really care about those things and just want to protect you. And while it's true we are lame, we have sacrificed something to make you the coolest kid we know.

8) I should have composed a rough draft of this.

9) Technology is never a salvation. Make sure you control it, not the other way around. And whatever you do, make sure you can sync your calenders with your mobile device.

10) When you fall in love, it will seem like no one understands just how much you love this person. But that's because they have probably experienced it too and know that that feeling doesn't last forever. Just enjoy it anyway, but protect your heart and the heart of the other person. As Outkast says, "If what they say is nothing lasts forever, what makes love the exception?"

11) Before you got here, we mostly slept in on weekends, went out to eat once a week, watched a lot of TV, walked the dogs, and worked or studied. I played a lot of Modern Warfare 2 and Halo 3, read a little, and messed around with projects (most recently replaced the garbage disposal). Your mom read magazines, worked, and watched tv. I'm sure she did more than that, but all I can remember is the last month of pregnancy, when she was mostly waddling everywhere and exhausted from carrying your chunky butt around.

It's odd, but we already love you and can't really explain the bond we have with you. I suppose that's the mystery of humanity and the beautiful enigma of having language to try and describe what we feel. So that's that: We love you.

My favorite things

2010-02-09T14:43:00.001-08:00

Found this beauty in my phone during a lunch break at clinicals. Makes me so happy.

All the small things...

2010-02-05T22:38:00.001-08:00

Here is the update. New family portrait (seen at right), baby due in a few months, school is a little bit lighter this semester but somehow I'm busier, and we got a new car.

The lighter schedule has given me some time to think about existential things again (finally?), and I still have no clear answer. Which seems to be the answer. Definitives and absolutes really don't seem to jive with the world I see around me, and maybe that's because of my subjectivity within it, or maybe because that's one of the absolutes: the world has no absolutes. And I'm sure there are philological truths (or falses) within everything I've just dismissed, but I just don't see a lot of consistency in the natural realm.

For example, entropy. Or earthquakes. Or Everyman. (Not sure about that last one, but I went for it because it started with an "e.") I mean, when scientists and mathematicians and theorists state that even on the infinitesimally small level of quantum mechanics that we can't observe the fundamental building blocks of literally everything in the universe because as soon as we try to look at them, they've already changed. That means that we can't even know for certain our precise physical location, let alone anything beyond space time (ie deities, demons, et al).

One might say, "But I don't care EXACTLY where I am right now; I know enough to function in my day to day life." And practically speaking, I agree with them. My day won't change if I can't map out my every atom. My day will change, however, if you start to tell me that there are things beyond the measurable that I should (or could) KNOW for certain. The measurable and observable are beyond prediction and understanding; how can I believe that the answer(s) to life itself are somehow knowable? I'm just not that certain.

Mother should I build a wall...

2009-11-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

The following post is a response to a discussion started elsewhere. Granted, starting a fight and walking somewhere else and trying to start it again isn't exactly sporting, but Facebook walls, oddly, aren't the best place for extended conversations.

I'll repost the original comment and thread here:

Michael Schoon - "I'm not trying to become a demagogue (although maybe I should), but start here before being antivaccine: http://antiantivax.flurf.net/"

My friend (who I won't name because there has been no consent to that) - "Not that I'm anti-vaccine, but there are always two sides to every story. Like the CDC constantly proclaiming that over 30,000 people die from the flu every year. More Americans are receiving flu vaccines now than ever, but still every year 30,000 people die? This number hasn't decreased since vaccinations have increased? Seems ineffective to me. In actuality, the CDC's hard data show that the highest recorded flu death rate was 826 people in 2006. The other 29,000 'flu' deaths were more likely caused by pneumonia, but these two afflictions are lumped together for the sake of simplicity...and perhaps number skewing. All that to say that both sides of the argument are suspect. The CDC has an agenda, considering that many if its top people are involved with pharmaceutical companies, and the anti-vaxers are alarmists, so it's not such a simple delineation. Do your own research. And with that, I'm done."

And my response, heretofore unpublished:

Couple of points: 1) As far as seasonal flu vaccinations go, sure, take it or leave it. The 20-70% efficacy rate (depending on who you ask) isn't the most amazing. And you can attribute the roughly same number of flu deaths to anything (aging population, better diagnosis techniques, differing methods to collect data, the vaccine just doesn't work in the community as well as in the lab, etc). It could also be that the wrong people are getting vaccinated (young, healthy, middle class adults) while the sick, old, poor folks aren't. [As a side note, it would be interesting to see if productivity rates have remained the same as death rates over the years mentioned. If healthy people are getting vaccinated and then not contracting the flu like they might have in previous years (which wouldn't have killed them anyway), they would be taking less time off work, etc.] Ultimately, I'm not a researcher and I'll let them figure out the math. Until then, high risk people (who have upper respiratory diseases) should probably get the vaccine even if it reduces their chances by only 20-70%. The benefits outweigh the risks for that population.

Yes, CDC numbers show a lot of people dying and they've chosen to include the complications (pneumonia, et al). If they stuck with just counting those deaths that listed flu as cause of death on the death certificate, the numbers might not be accurate, because (in their words) the "influenza virus infection may not be identified in many instances because influenza virus is only detectable for a short period of time and many people don’t seek medical care until after the first few days of acute illness" (1). So the CDC is in a predicament: use an estimation or use the actual printed numbers. I say use the estimation. Why? Upper respiratory infections are fairly closely related in etiology and the inclusion of flu-related deaths allows for a more accurate picture of the number of people affected by the disease. It's similar to including pneumonia in AIDS deaths. It's not the disease that kills, it's the sequelae. How accurate is the estimation? Pretty close, from what I have read.

2) Granted, there is a lot of hype surrounding the flu vaccine. Does the CDC/government/medical profession play on people's fears of dying a horrible death by flu/swine flu? Perhaps. Would most people survive the flu virus? Most certainly. But the claim that the CDC has suspect motives because of links to the pharmaceutical industry is a little unfair. There isn't a lot of money in flu vaccines ($20, once a year at a Mollen Immunization center) and I find it hard to believe that this might encourage the members of the world's most foremost disease research institute to push something on the public that wasn't warranted. Can I prove this? No. It comes down to trust, and when Pink Floyd asks, "Mother, should I trust the government?", I answer with a clear and resounding, "Meh. Why not?"

3) You raise an interesting argument that I rarely hear: don't get a particular vaccine because it doesn't work. That argument should be applied to every medical treatment, from herbal medicine to prostate exams to coronary bypass surgery. All that to say, I appreciate critical thinking.

4) As mentioned previously, if a person doesn't want the flu vaccine, they shouldn't get it. It's the childhood vaccines that people's children should be getting. Those do work, the benefits outweigh the risks, and they are safe.

1. http://www.cdc.gov/flu/about/disease/us_flu-related_deaths.htm

Tell 'em that it's human nature

2009-09-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I said to D that "Today was one of those days that made me happy I'm getting into nursing." She said, "Write that down!" I said, "No, you write it down!"

But I think that I should. So here goes:

In the past two days I've been on my labor and delivery rotation for clinicals. I expected it to be a little odd, but everything I've come across so far has been a little odd. In other words, everything is new. On Monday I was assigned to an expectant mother who had already dilated to 10 cm and was effaced 100%. She was ready to start pushing. So while she was pushing, I was holding one of her legs as the nurse I was assigned to follow coached her through the contractions. After two hours, a little head poked out and the doctor showed up and helped the baby and mom with the last few pushes and then everything was a blur. The baby came out and cried and the nursery nurses swept the baby up to the mom's side and the dad held the baby for what felt like a long time and then the baby got weighed and measured and graded and then the dad held him again while the doctor finished delivering the placenta with the mom. Then the new family clustered around the baby, who was now in the mom's arms, and my nurse showed me the parts of the placenta and I poked at it and examined it and then it was lunch time. (I realize now the timing of this seems odd, but I included the lunch part only to note the extremely fast passage of time, not that playing with a placenta made me hungry.)

Emotionally, it was amazing. I almost cried watching this father, who had been stoic for the pushing, break a teary smile as he held his son for the first time and I laughed inside at the sister, who was told to shut up by her pregnant sister while coaching during the pushing. I can't really explain it, but it was the first time I have thought during clinicals, "I could do this for a living."

Yesterday I saw a patient (or client, as some people would have them be called) have an emergency c-section and the precise movements and actions by everyone in the room made me proud to be a medical professional. The nurses were prepping and calling and setting aside supplies while the doctors were slicing and sewing while the respiratory techs were standing ready to treat the patient for any respiratory distress and and and. It was like being in the middle of a hive of ants, except instead of carrying food they were intent on saving two lives. Within one minute of slicing through this woman's skin, muscle, and uterus, the baby was delivered and was perfectly healthy. And the mother was fine too, after recovery.

Two hours later (after lunch, which again seems odd timing), the patient I was originally assigned started pushing. Again, I was bedside as the baby delivered and despite a couple of complications that developed, everyone there on behalf of the hospital quickly reacted and ensured that mother and child both left happy and healthy. It could have been a lot worse, but it wasn't, because everyone did their job. And it was amazing.

I told Rich that I liked it and he said that bordered on being creepy. Apparently I stumbled upon one of the few remaining bastions of prejudice towards males. Usually it is females who are subjected to workplace stereotypes, but after looking at a few forums online (and here, too), it would appear that male nurses working as labor and delivery nurses have to confront more stereotypes than females in the same position. It's not as though I am infatuated with the anatomy; I have just seen nurses actively changing lives and participating in one of the most profound events in a patient's life and then fade quietly into the background, only to do it again a few hours later. I don't know if I want to be an L&D nurse or it's just a phase (like that time I borrowed a keyboard so I could write and produce music with my laptop), but I do know that yesterday was a good day.

So I want to be a nurse.

Morning has broken

2009-09-22T10:51:00.001-07:00

I have neglected this task much like Kidde Fire Extinguishers neglected to tell customers that occasionally their products failed to extinguish fires. But all of that is behind us now, and I'm pleased to announce that I'm in the writing mood.

First of all, we're pregnant. Only about 8 weeks now, so included is a gross approximation of what the most recent ultrasound looked like. It has been an odd experience. It was the first month we tried to get pregnant, and the first few days of Danielle peeing on sticks was a little surreal. She marched out of the bathroom one day, while I was still asleep, and said, "Does this look like a line to you? Or is it a shadow?" Being the eternal pessimist, I tried to convince her that not only was it too early to test, she was crazy. (Note to boys: Girls love being told they aren't being rational. They just eat it up!!!) So the next day, a similar thing happened, and after a couple more tests, the lines got more and more definitive. And eventually, the data overwhelmed my skepticism and we believed. A blood test confirmed it. And we tried a few more pee tests just for good measure.

How did I react? The revelation came over several days, so any excitement I had waxed and waned. But I am excited now. I spent the first few nights falling asleep thinking, "Well, everything is going to change now. Everything. Everything. Everything." And then I'd spend the daylight hours convincing myself that not everything would change. Repeat for a week and you'll have a rough idea of what it was like. So I for one am grateful that I have nine months to adjust to this.

We have a little calendar that tells us exactly on what day what forms in utero. Yesterday the heart was completed. The optic nerve and eyeball have started and I think the arms and legs start wiggling tomorrow. The tail is still present, and though I hope it goes away, I kind of hope it doesn't. There are so many things that can go wrong with fetal formation that that's the new thing that keeps me up at night. It doesn't help that I'm in my OB/GYN/PEDS rotation for clinical (nice segue, self).

Nursing school is good. It has been a challenge at some times but not as severe as Danielle's program. I guess that's a key difference between an AD program and an accelerated RN, BSN, FNP program. I really enjoy the clinical setting and the classroom setting has always been good place for me, so I feel good about the future.

Not much else is happening. A lot of waiting. Stephen and I are going to play Halo: ODST now.

...to find my mother in a garbage bin...

2009-06-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

Enclosed please find the actual text of an email my dear mother sent unsolicited to "you kids." Phrases to look out for: "..actually smells better than it did," "Not sure how it will grow out," and "Love, Mom" (Again: No one requested this information.)

from: Linda Schoon (xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com)

to: Michael (xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com), Rebecca Bradley (xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com), Stephen Schoon (xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com), Danielle (xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com), Adam Bradley (xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com)

date: Tue, Jun 30 2009 at 5:26 pm

subject: thumb injury update - caution graphic materials

The nail came off yesterday and this is what was underneath. It actually smells better than it did the day before, but it looks pretty gross as you can see. Not sure how it will grow out.
Love,
Mom

We were merely freshmen...

2009-04-19T21:10:00.001-07:00

The following is true.

On Wednesday I was walking the dogs along the canal and noticed a duckling swimming north up the canal. I didn't see any other ducks around and thought that was odd, but what're ya gonna do? About another mile up the canal, I see a group of ducks, including a female duck with six ducklings swimming behind her. I decided I was about done with my walk and walked south back, wondering if the lone duckling was closer now. He wasn't. He was in the same place he was before. I figured that I'd watch him awhile and see what he did. He kept going the direction of his mom and then turn around and go the other way. I determined to get the duck back to his mom, so I tied the dogs to a fence, took off my shirt, and tried to get close to the water. It took me 15 minutes to notice that this was going to be impossible, given the deep sides of the canal and the fact that I have terrible balance.

So I took the dogs back and grabbed, what else, a broom.

I drove back towards the canal and ran back to the spot I left the duckling. He was still there, and after some coaxing, I worked it towards a group of steps leading to the water. I scooped him up and grabbed him. Then I walked/jogged/looked ridiculous as I carried him the mile to where I had left his mother. Although now she was across the canal and I had no where to cross. Sigh. So I walked slowly, working her (and the six ducklings behind her) towards another one of those step thingies. Eventually, I got her there, placed her wayward duckling on the end of the broom, and flung the duckling toward her. One life saved.

Then I went for a walk on Saturday and saw the female duck with only two ducklings behind her. "Well," I reasoned, "it could have been just one."

Sunday I went for another walk and saw the female duck with just one duckling around her. "Well," I tried again, "it could have been zero."

Here's my point: I know that natural selection weeds out the weak (like the ones who get lost swimming ONE DIRECTION ON A 12 FOOT WIDE CANAL), but it still makes me feel sad. I want to use another word, but sad is all that works. And I also feel like I should have learned this lesson either a) when I was younger or b) when I watched the Andy Griffith episode where Opie kills a bird. But I didn't. And natural processes don't care that a) the ducklings died or b) that I have any feelings at all.

So I'll soldier on, but I have decided that I just shouldn't give a duck.

I walk it out, I walk it out...

2009-03-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Let me recreate the scene:

58 year old male (father-in-law) is recovering from brain surgery he had earlier this morning to remove a tumor from his temporal lobe. Me, my wife, and her brother all decide to hang out with him for a few hours this afternoon. Patient decides that he needs to walk around a little. After much maneuvering (with the IV pole, a gown that is ill-fitting, and his propensity for falling), we get to the end of the hallway that has a big picture window. Patient decides to "stretch a little." With his front to the window, he proceeds to put his left leg onto the hand rail, spreading the back of his gown wide open while he continues to stretch his leg. The nurses at the station shriek in disgust as the patient's open gown, coupled with lack of undergarments, display full anatomical features. I start giggling a little, my dear wife starts trying to pull her father's gown shut, and patient decides to fart. Three times. Loudly and without abandon. I start crying with laughter, the nurses retreat, my wife retreats, the patient continues stretching until he is satisfied, and we all work our way back to his room to continue the recovery process. All in all, a good day.

There'll be no argument, you can take it from me

2009-02-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

It's warm enough I don't have to wear a shirt.

Good news and bad news:

Bad news first: The garage door opener broke and now I'm stuck trying to figure out if I want to fix it by buying a $25 replacement part or just using it manually. Like Mr. Hedberg said, "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Additional bad news: I think the weed killer I bought was improperly mixed (by me) so it didn't kill any weeds and instead made them hardier. One of them actually said, "Thanks for the drink, ya pansy" to me when I passed it this morning.

More bad news: My house still kind of smells like the turkey bacon I cooked two nights ago.

Good news: This post about the state of things made me smile. And I would have embedded it but the overlords of the internet disabled it.

Indifferent news: If you are in the east valley area and are having a yard/garage sale, THINK about your sign placement. Address is nice, directional arrow is better, bright color is assumed, but expecting me to wander around your neighborhood looking for your notecards taped on cacti is a little much. If I can't find your sign, how am I going to spend 50 cents for an additional charger for my laptop?

Also, if you are planning a sale, don't just pull out a chair for you to sit on and spill your trash can onto the driveway and call it good. No one wants your "Aloha, 1992" plastic visor set (of two). Or your toothbrush holder that might have been chrome when you bought it. Or a stack of National Geographic magazines. Marketing 101 people: If your old sweatshirt smells like cat pee to you, then it smells like Satan's bladder to the rest of us. Also, it's safe to say that a box full of VHS tapes (Days of Thunder, Star Wars: Episode 1, Jurassic Park, How to Raise a Child, et al), though certainly full of sentimental value, is not going to be a good way to earn back the $450 you spent on it. I know there is that little voice inside of your head that says, "But someone might want it." Ignore that voice. That's the same voice that told you buy them in the first place and look where you are now: pushing them onto the less fortunate.

'Scuse me while I kiss this guy

2009-02-11T07:37:00.001-08:00

The following three videos made my week. The first one is potty-mouthed Christian Bale getting angry at a DP on the set of Terminator Salvation. It's a little long and laden with naughty language. The second one is David after the dentist. And the third one is the two becoming one.

America!

Let's talk about the passion...

2009-02-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

Toby several hours post surgery. He's got a pain patch stapled to his stomach (green bandage), a white bandage around his neck to strap the cone to, a brown bandage on his leg to keep it straight, a yellow bandage to protect the IV site, is and horribly drugged up. But he is saying some incredibly profound things.

A family of trees...

2009-02-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

Two things.
1)

2) My new favorite blog to check. Cakes are the new black!

This is the end, my only friend, the end

2009-01-28T18:01:00.000-08:00

I told you all that it didn't matter whether or not I turned the lights off or not. Now scientists say that global warming can't be stopped.

Global warming is irreversible, study says

So long polar bears!

Everything is changing and I still feel the same

2009-01-27T23:47:00.000-08:00

So my dog blew out his knee. Like the equivalent of what would be an ACL in a human. So we probably have to get surgery on it. Which is silly, because he's just a dog but then again, maybe he'll call 911 when we're having seizures and save our lives. You never can tell what man's best friend is going to do.

Also, I'm in nursing school now. I quit my job in December and have decided to pursue a career in the medical field. It was a huge step and I'm glad I did it but of course, it's a distinct difference from working full time. I started January 5th. So far, it's been good. Tomorrow I have to read a bazillion pages and then take notes on them and then memorize a buttload of terms. In case it was unknown, a buttload is the medical term for approximately 35.

Honestly, life is good. I feel like things are coming together and I have some kind of direction in my life and also, all my dark colored clothes are clean so what else do I need?

More later, if the pen is willing.

Cuz it's 187 on a ...

2009-01-18T08:21:00.001-08:00

A math problem: SJS versus 6 ft, 200 lb, 30 year old PCP user = 8 stitches and one tazed suspect

That hunger is a lack of cat food

2009-01-17T12:44:00.001-08:00

Forget the homeless, save Gilbert's cats.

Hey girl, how you doing?

2008-12-27T19:10:00.000-08:00

I tried to tell everyone but no one is listening anymore. BLACK WOMEN IN THE U.S. ARE SHRINKING!!!

And here you thought you were just getting taller.

Too rich too poor

2008-12-07T12:14:00.001-08:00

So I was perusing the interwebs and found this entirely sublime gallery of pictures taken by a cat named Cooper with a special camera. I don't know why I enjoyed it so much, except that some of the pictures are so peaceful that it makes me think that this cat was somehow finding bliss in just sitting and looking that the world around him. I think this cat can teach us something. Like how to clean ourselves with our tongues.

You better you bet

2008-11-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

This has been an overwhelming November for me. First, I voted even though economically speaking it makes no sense. Then, I decided to buy stock to stimulate the economy. Then, I played through Weezer's My Name is Jonas on medium and only missed 4 or 5 notes in it. Then I played football-with other people. Then, today I ANSWERED A GOVERNMENTAL SURVEY!

I couldn't believe my luck when five days ago I got a notice from the census bureau saying I would be receiving a survey in a few days and I would have to fill it out and it would be not only an American thing to do, it would be against law not to. So I spent 30 minutes today while CSI: Miami was on in the background answering questions about my raceemploymentincomeinsurance, my wife's raceemploymentincomeinsurance, my brother's raceemploymentincomeinsurance, etc. And I hope they take this information and turn this world into a better place.

I did just realize, however, that I might be sending an identity theft a lot of my information, so if this is a complex scam, congratulations! Here, take my hand! Take my whole life, too! Because I can't stop falling in love with you! Hmmm. Something isn't right...

That's the way we became the Brady Bunch!

2008-11-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

Black Friday update: One maintenance worker dead in an NY Wal*Mart after being trampled by frugal shoppers. Two people shot in a Palm Desert Toys*R*Us over a "personal dispute."

I went to Circuit City and didn't see anything there worth shooting someone over.

I went to Michael's and almost had a panic attack because I felt so out of place. I seriously debated buying a cookie tin (A COOKIE TIN) just so I could use my 50% off one item coupon.

I went to Lowe's and the garage storage unit that had been marked $50 off was already sold out. Apparently you can't go into a store at 2 pm and expect the hot deals to be lined up for you.

I was watching an auction on eBay for a "Umlocked iPhone" (sic) that was incredibly low but then the seller pulled it from the webernet so no one could bid on it. Apparently he wanted more than $11.50 for it.

I did buy a router on eBay but that was mostly so I could use my coupon.

Also, Stephen left today for the Great Northwest. I guess I'll have to get by somehow.

The end of the beginning of the end

2008-11-22T06:05:00.001-08:00

It's official. I am an EMT.

This one's for me/not for anyone else/I need it you see

2008-11-08T08:34:00.001-08:00

I threw all I had, into the sea...

I voted on Tuesday, and it was a big deal for me. I hadn't voted in a few years and it was primarily from an economic standpoint: my vote doesn't count. It just doesn't. But a couple of weeks ago, I decided that if there was even a chance that Sen. Barack Obama could bring about the change he was championing, I wanted to say I had a part in it.

I went to the my polling place and got choked up as I walked to the door. I couldn't say why, really, I just felt that voting in this election went beyond civic duty, beyond being the right thing to do, and became something I was compelled to do because somewhere in this cynical mind of mine, I love this country. It was while reading Audacity of Hope that I realized that despite our nation's warts and ugly scars there is still something redeemable about this place.

And late Tuesday night, something happened that hasn't happened in years: I was proud to be an American.

Yesterday a couple of my coworkers (from Europe) said they were scared by McCain's concession speech, especially when he said that, "America is the greatest country in the world." I think they were concerned with the nationalistic tone of the statement and even, jokingly, compared him to Hitler and Mussolini. And I'm sure that blind nationalism is entirely scary to foreigners, especially those whose country was bowled over by tanks and guns and soldiers who believed their own country was the greatest in the world.

But a phrase like that is similar to saying your family is the greatest in the world. Not only is it relative (no pun), but you say it despite the members who don't talk to each other or the way they treat outsiders or their seemingly contradictory stance on gossip about other members. You say it because you need to know that something you belong to is significant. And you say it because you need convincing that you can put up with all of the silly/stupid/bad things. And you say it for you. It's not a judgment on other families; it's a statement that reconciles your sphere of influence with your insecurities.

And that's why I say this is the greatest country in the world: because when I compare America to other nations, we fall short in many ways. But when I realize that the same rich history which caused many of our problems also inherently allows us the ability to change who we are, I realize I wouldn't give that up.

I'm proud to be American. And I'm proud to have voted, not because it counted, but because I could.

Does that make me a stranger?

2008-10-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

It struck me today that there are several things that either make you a genius or very truly crazy and the line is very thin:

1. Creating an alter ego. This can be seen in musicians, actors, writers, et al, but can also be found in the guy on the corner telling you that he is either Superman, Jesus Christ, or a grilled cheese sandwich.

2. Growing a beard and not caring about your appearance. Again, either you have rejected society's standards or society has rejected yours.

3. Writing poetry. Writing poetry well makes you a genius. Writing poetry poorly makes you a lifeless ingenue.

4. People who commit suicide. If you kill yourself for art, you are a troubled genius who saw this life as the sham it was. If you kill yourself for a religion, girlfriend, or just happened to be experimenting with some weird choking fetish, you are crazy.

5. Being a politician. Either you are absolutely infatuated with humankind and its improvement or you are a megalomaniacal narcissist who will try to kill us all.

6. Speaking several languages. People who can speak and study in several languages are brilliant, but people who speak in several languages to no one in particular are crazy.

So far, this is it. First the good news: if you aren't one of these people, you aren't crazy. Bad news? If you aren't one of these people, you aren't a genius.

Don't have to live like a refugee

2008-10-14T17:04:00.001-07:00

Finally, someone is addressing the real issues.

Un deux trois, de mirroire noir

2008-10-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

Update from the land of Nod:

Almost done with my EMT class. So far, so good: no one dead. My A&P class is going well too, but I can't kill anyone online.

Toby keeps getting into the trash. He used to jump up and grab the bag and pull it down. I filled the bottom of it with at least 40 pounds of rock. Now he just grabs onto the bag and shreds any part of it that is hanging over the edge. I'm going to electrify it next and see if he likes that. Also, I'm going to develop a way to electrify plastic.

I'm thinking about getting my pilot's license. And by thinking about it, I mean watching a show on jets.

Lots going on in the news. My Apple stock is back to what I bought it at. Makes me want to buy more. Which I would, if I weren't saddled with thousands of dollars of debt for education/a house/your mom. She's an expensive one.

Well, kiss my grits.

Band montaaaaaggggggeeee!!!

2008-10-05T00:09:00.000-07:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Giggled a lot at this 'un. See minute 1:51 for my favorite part.

Got a Devils Haircut

2008-09-22T21:44:00.001-07:00

in my mind!

You were a boy...

2008-09-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

This cannot be happening...

Gotta live, gotta live, gotta live, in a town

2008-09-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

Another week has come and gone, and I would be remiss if I neglected to point out my favorite part of the week: a dual broken sprinkler head. One of my favorite things is when automatic sprinklers have a busted piece on them, causing the water to shoot straight up into the air instead of on to the grass. I laugh out loud when I see these and get stupidly giddy.

I don't really know why. If someone asks, I tell them it's just the absurdity of it: someone has cared enough to manicure and care for their lawn but now gallons of water are pouring into the street instead of the lawn. And it just looks silly. I probably shouldn't read into it too much, because I'm tempted to analyze it and search for some deeper meaning about my psyche. Meh. It's just funny.

Trust me: it's funny. Climb into my head and tell me it's not funny. (Mitch Hedburg's new CD is wonderful. Tell the kids.)

Welcome to paradise...

2008-09-10T19:03:00.001-07:00

(Found in the notebook of the quietest girl in any of my classes)

Don't touch me again John Stamos. Who couldn't get any work. C U later.

God bless America

2008-09-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

For the love of Nothingness...
And when you're finished there, check this out.

We're fated to pretend...

2008-08-31T00:59:00.001-07:00

It is without irony that I announce my week's wrap-up. These are the bits of minutiae that have saved my life, more than once some of them. In no particular order, here is:

1. The reason voting doesn't matter. Stephen sent me a link to this excellent video which illustrates our small size in the universe, relative to some of the biggest stars in our neighborhood.

2. Obama's acceptance speech. Even the fine Pat Buchanan heaped praise on this beaut:

3. Stephen finished his first week actually out on the streets. He has a blog which you can find here. He's a good boy.

4. We jumped the fence last night and swam in our neighbor's pool. The house is for sale and you can buy it here if you want.

Well, that's all for now.

P.S. means post-script.

He hung himself with a guitar string...

2008-08-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Enclosed find a link to an awesome article on locavores, or people who insist that all food should be grown and consumed locally. It's a long 'un, but worth the read. His overarching argument is that it is unreasonable to 1) assume all regions of the U.S. can grow some (if any!) edible fruits/vegetables and 2) assume that economically, socially, or environmentally the task of localizing food growth is preferred.

To me, the concept has always reeked of flaws. I, and 2 million of my closest friends, live in the middle of a desert. It's going to take water to grow my food. I don't have that water. California does. How about they grow my strawberries and ship them here? That sounds delicious!

And while we're at it, I'll take my cows cloned, too...

It's true we name our children after towns we've never been to

2008-08-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

Enclosed please find a link to a local report about an explosion at my high school where I'm currently employed. It should be noted that they neglected any mention of the brilliant, thought-provoking, and mildly attractive English teacher who heard the boom and assumed it was a piece of plywood falling.

I wish it was Funday...

2008-08-18T19:08:00.001-07:00

A shot of the majestic Red Lobster by Fiesta Mall. And the clouds looked cool.

Give me a high five!

2008-08-08T18:22:00.001-07:00

Brother.

Stuck in the middle with you

2008-08-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

Stephen oathing it in the middle. Mom's shoulder/neck/head to the right. Random shoulder to the left.

Don't you know that I love you...

2008-08-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

Great article enclosed about 5 Scientific Theories that will blow your mind. I especially like number 1. It makes me feel small, which is nice, because I've been eating a lot this week →

There she goes (there she goes)

2008-08-02T09:47:00.001-07:00

In honor of Stephen graduating from the police academy next week, here is a list of the eight greatest things he has ever said.

1. Yeah, I'll give you dime to do that.

2. It's both. Time exists internally and externally.

3. Screw Jerusalem.

4. Thick like can of Pepsi.

5. Herbie loves me.

6. I am a Mexican hero!

7. Pew, pew, pew.

8. Ha, ha, ha! (This came after a chair broke underneath me sitting on it.)

Shorty get down, good lord, baby got 'em open all over town

2008-07-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have been around anything considered theology so it was with some hesitation that I viewed this video from a recent Veritas Forum at UC Berkeley. Featured was Tim Keller "noted pastor and author" and his general stance seems to be that thinking people can have faith in Jesus. Please note: the clip is long and the best part, in my opinion, is the Q & A section that starts around minute 50 or something.

Keller was recommended to me by Brent Gudgel and if Brent recommends something, by God, you should listen to him. Here are my thoughts on what Keller says:

1. I appreciate his willingness to believe and think. This is a rare combination to find today.

2. I appreciated his take on the societal birth of religion argument, that is, that if religion is born out of society, so is atheism, essentially negating the strength of the argument. Doesn't necessarily negate the argument itself, but what are you gonna do?

3. He polarizes too much ("Either Jesus did this, or he didn't...") which doesn't allow for my favorite area: the gray. (What if Jesus did do that, but not that way?)

4. He's incredibly self-deprecating, which is disarming. Love it.

5. He doesn't engage in most of the undergrad doublespeak which academia loves. He ignores it (see 1:11 - 1:19)

6. He cites Lewis several times, which irks me, because it Lewis has fallen out of favor with most thinkers. Sure, Lewis had a time and place, but I can't canonize him the way a lot of people can.

7. I don't see him addressing the applicability of "the grace narrative" as he puts it. Sure, it works out a nifty way to not just have the same old religion but in my mind there is a huge discrepancy between his interpretation of the text and life in the 21st century.

To quote Blackstreet: "That's just me. And that's how a player's got to be."

what it all boils down to my friends...

2008-07-31T11:15:00.001-07:00

A video of my dog Sammy obeying me. Rumors continue to persist that I will replace the Dog Whisperer but I simply cannot confirm or deny those rumors.

I'm afraid of Americans...

2008-07-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

Cheesus Christ!

And I ran, I ran so far away.

2008-07-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

This tiny little box above this picture is supposed to be a fancy panorama from Barack Obama's visit to Berlin a couple of days ago. It's amazing to me the expression on people's faces and the concert like atmosphere. Makes me miss Bushstock '91. Follow this link for the experience that is this picture.

All I want is your understanding...

2008-07-24T15:05:00.001-07:00

Stephen and I busting our tails to please the masses. Also, trying to fully understand life.

Mobile updates

2008-07-24T10:51:00.001-07:00

That's right, kiddos, Daddy just set up his mobile updates.

Note: The above picture was taken at the otter tank at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I am not there now.

Psycho Killer (cont.)

2008-07-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

(This is a continuation from an earlier post. It is an open letter to people I wish I had said things to but didn't for whatever reason.)

Bernard Depperschmidt - I still feel guilty about your broken window but I swear it wasn't me even though you saw me walking around with my BB gun.

Kim Schaefer - Thanks for always believing in me. Or at least letting me include swear words in my poetry notebook freshman year. That was cool.

Mr. Schafer (no relation) - I know you were trying to stand up for Katie when you pulled me out of class to yell at me but seriously, you were scary and it didn't change the fact that we were not making fun of her.

Katie Bustamante - We were NOT making fun of you.

Drew Baumgartel - You got married.

Danny Spoelma - I wish we had tried harder on that science experiment. I really think we could have gotten it to work. Somehow, hooking a battery to a piece of tin and hammering it onto a roof doesn't seem like we were capturing the spirit of the project.

Mr. Peterson - Why didn't you get more mad when I kicked out your window?

Corie Sutton - Still feel bad about the email thing...

911 Operator who answered phone when I "tested" the payphone at the Elks Lodge in Loveland, CO - It wasn't an emergency so you didn't need to call back and get me in trouble.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw...

2008-07-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of the top 7 things you could do while you visited me in Gilbert, AZ:

1. Go to the park.
2. Get some ice cream.
3. Visit the farm.
4. Take a walk by the canal. Yum!
5. Watch me play Halo 3.
6. Listen to music.
7. Fly home.

Yeah!

I just don't know what to do with myself

2008-07-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to nursing school in the near future. And by near, I mean at least the next 2 years, and by future, I mean not the present. Why, you ask? To become this---

Whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better...

2008-06-28T17:58:00.001-07:00

For a long time I've puzzled over the relationship of post-modernity to science. How could something that claimed relativism with multiple truths be true if it could not be applied to every realm of truth? The scientific method seems to accept only one version of "truth" (you hypothesize, test that theory, and then have that theory proven or disproven) but if post-modernity is the death of reason, how will that relate to science.

Well, it seems like I'm not the only one who has thought about such things and the answer to my question came from the nerds at Wired magazine. Let me give me a quote: "But faced with massive data, this approach to science — hypothesize, model, test — is becoming obsolete. Consider physics: Newtonian models were crude approximations of the truth (wrong at the atomic level, but still useful). A hundred years ago, statistically based quantum mechanics offered a better picture — but quantum mechanics is yet another model, and as such it, too, is flawed, no doubt a caricature of a more complex underlying reality. The reason physics has drifted into theoretical speculation about n-dimensional grand unified models over the past few decades (the "beautiful story" phase of a discipline starved of data) is that we don't know how to run the experiments that would falsify the hypotheses — the energies are too high, the accelerators too expensive, and so on." (Here is the full link)

Lot of reading, and for that I'm sorry. When I read this article I got so excited. Data; pure, raw data is overwhelming the scientific process. So instead of looking for new theories, we now should look for causation. Pure brilliance, if you ask me. The world is now living post-truth and we don't know or care. And yes, I do acknowledge the irony: "If you swear/that there's/no truth/and who cares/how come you say like you're right."

Doo, doo, doo, doot. Doot doot doot!

2008-06-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog comes from the music Tivo plays for you while you are on hold trying to get them to talk to you because your Tivo freezes every few hours. I must admit, after 35 minutes on hold, I do feel a little more upbeat.

Post from yesterday went over so well, I think I'm going to make it a staple here at health & the pursuit of well-being. And by "went over so well," I mean that I kept laughing at myself while I remembered it today. As of yet, not one of the people listed has contacted me.

Time to go. Tivo finally answered.

How Scandanavian of me....

2008-06-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

Saw this today at a garden center and realized it's better than my reason...

Psycho Killer

2008-06-16T14:35:00.001-07:00

The following is an open letter to people I have met and probably should have told them when I knew/interacted with them but didn't for whatever reason. I have not changed any of the names because then what would be the point of that?

Mrs. Bobinsky, first grade teacher - I missed you a lot when you left halfway through the year. I don't even remember the replacement teacher's name, that's how much I missed you.

Joe ????? - You are one of the most genuine people I have met and always had a smile.

Jordan Bloom - One time you invited me to spend the night while we were in first grade and I didn't really want to but thankfully my mom said I couldn't. But you were one of the cool kids so I thought I probably should to improve my street cred.

Michelle Cason - You kicked me really hard once under the table in 4th grade and I have never been more mad at a female in my life than I was with you at that moment.

Adam Odell - Remember when we went to San Diego and hung out with your friend from back home and there was a huge party and the cops came and I hid in the bedroom because I was only 19?

Adam Book - Best concert ever - Blues Traveler: July 4, 1997. Oh wait, it was a terrible concert. I know Baker went with us, but I don't know who else. But you and I went up and met the saxophonist for Agents of Good Roots with the hopes he would let us go backstage and meet Blues Traveler. He did not.

Frau Ziesche, German teacher - Sorry about all the Nazi comments. I didn't truly believe you were a Nazi. Not that there is anything wrong with that...

Erin Vandertop - Sorry I made fun of the way you run.

Robin ????? - I still am embarrassed about meeting you for the first time and saying, "Like Robin Redbreast?" and looking down and seeing your red shirt.

Skye ????? - You really were a cocky guy. But you still made out with Kristen and she was a skank with a lazy-eye.

Michael Stipe - I had dream once that I met you and you converted to be a born-again Christian. Well? Did you?

Joe Reinsch - Sorry I never scheduled lunch with you after you came back. I just didn't know how much we had in common and didn't care enough to find out.

Gary Pine - We had met on at least five different occasions before that.

Mystikal - My friend Ryan Plant knows the words to all of your first few records. I think they all suck, though.

Jennifer Barbone - I probably would have made out with you if I had known you were coming on to me and not just lacking any concept of personal space.

Jeremy ????? - You always scared me. And then you tried to make me talk to Mikyla for you. And that scared me even more. But you were the only person I ever knew who owned a Sega Saturn.

Brian Petit - Tom Petty's Honey Bee makes me think of you, not for the obvious reasons, but because we sat in the Honda one day listening to the song and laughing at the absurdity of it. It wasn't until much later that I realized no one listened to Tom Petty.

Kristen Buonpane - We said we'd get married at 70 if we were both still single and to be honest, I was a little scared of that kind of commitment. If you want to back out now, I'd be fine with it.

In the Line of Fire - You made me push my mother on to the ground so I could see your climactic ending and then she said I couldn't watch R-rated movies anymore.

Dan Fody - I truly miss your humor and didn't realize how clever, creative, and brilliant you truly were until I didn't have you around. You are the only person I know who could write for the Simpsons. I hope you are.

Chris Kelly - Similar as above, except you also had a great laugh.

Rick Lehman - You were a jerk to me, most of the time.

Peter ????? - Same as above and if you weren't mentally handicapped somebody would have stopped you.

Random friend of the Hummels - I really didn't want that bucket full of rocks to hit you in the face but I kind of did, too.

Johnny and Jimmy ????? - Same as above, except the rocks were singular, not in bucket form.

Buzz Ziegler's daughter - In case you didn't figure it out, it was us who put the note on the motorcycle that said, "Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?" and "Is that your head or did your pants fall down?" I know you saw Leslie acting cool like she didn't do it and I always assumed you figured out it was us because it was her.

Leslie Malcom - Why didn't you hide?!? It would have been SOOO much better!

Butterscotch the Calf - I bet I could ride you now...

Cory Sutton - I think I accidentally deleted an email from you because it was sent to my spam folder and I didn't check it before I deleted it but thought I saw your name. No way to retrieve those, though.

Keith Sutton - I stole your Red Hot Chili Peppers album "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" in 1995 or 1996. If you want, I'll buy you another one. By the way, the case was broken when I got it so don't expect a mint replacement.

Viviana Soto - Calm down.

Well, that's all for now. More later if the pen is willing...

...so I'll float till I learn to swim...

2008-05-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

Running with the dogs tonight I had the oddest thought as I listened to this song: Jesus is a shadow. Every other metaphor and simile doesn't quite fit for me, but for some reason, that one works very well. And as Peter Pan pointed out, we can't pin down a shadow. Well, we can't unless we have a needle, some thread, a can-do attitude, and a chipper song.

I really hate how inadequate my words are. I have these super eloquent pronouncements in my head (Christ is a shadow) and when I put them into English it reminds me of a gorilla communicating with sign language: sure, Koko can tell us she's thirsty but for chrissakes she still flings poo at her friends.

Anyway, I was thinking about the old JC because I'm really wanting to write a story about a fraudulent children's author whose target audience is Christian youth. But I don't know how to end (or start) it for that matter. Danielle thinks I should have SOME kind of redemption-she says she needs to have it-but I'm not sure that it all ends that way. It seems to me that the ending to it all is more of a whimper than a bang, but what do I know, I'm just a fraudulent author....oh, wait.

School ended today with a whimper. I go back tomorrow to check out and do all of that stuff that ensures I am sufficiently annoyed. Because I'm sure that's the main point of it all.

I still don't have a job for the summer. (Note to future self reading this: If you are smiling, keep smiling because it must have worked out. If you are dismayed, sorry how the future ended up but you can only blame yourself. If you are frowning, you must have gotten in a terrible accident that doesn't allow your face muscles to relax because frowning for this long normally causes great discomfort. If the accident was your fault, just remember: It wasn't your fault.)

Well, time to try and beat GTA IV. Tell all the kids.

I think I can help, but not myself

2008-04-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

Just downloaded the new Gnarls Barkley, REM, and Dodos. I like me the Gnarls. It goes well with breakfast. Haven't listened to the others yet but they had pretty good reviews and if someone else likes them, then I know I will have to also.

The clock on this computer is set to CA time, but also in the evening. So it says that it is 929 PM right now, instead of 830 AM. I tried to reset it but it auto corrected my changes. Which makes me wonder: what clock is it checking itself against? And if that clock is correct, why am I behind 13 hours? It does explain why my five o'clock shadow comes earlier than expected nowadays.

Nowadays: Underused phrase that should stay underused.

I took two tests yesterday to become a teacher. I don't know if I passed and I would mention which sections I had troubles with but that would violate the very serious agreement I made with the National Evaluation Systems people that said I would not discuss test questions with any parties. That and I forgot the sections I had trouble with. Something about the Constitution?

Well, that's all I have for now. More later if the pen is willing...

When I am king, you will be first against the wall

2008-04-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

I, too, have been disappointed with myself. Not only am I searching craigslist for summer work, but I just saw on Fox's hit tv show COPS a mulletted man get chased down by aging officers and eventually arrested. My wife just said, "You're an idiot. Tool." I think she was talking to the TV, not me. At least I hope so. That's what I get for sitting next to her while ruminating.

I am not sure what I'm going to do for the talent show that's coming up for school. I'm not funny enough to do stand-up (which is what my coworkers suggested today) and I'm not sure that I want to do anything that's not funny. D suggested interpretive dance. To Nickelback. I don't think I'm religious, but if I danced to Nickelback, I would be sure there was no God.

Stephen is doing well in the academy. It's fun to watch him get excited about something.

I just learned Radiohead is going to be at Lollapalooza this year. I wanted to have Lollapalooza in my jeans when I heard that. Which would be loud and uncomfortable, but SOOOO worth it.

I really need to learn to commmunicate in full sentences. And better spelling.

The end.

Sister Christian, you're the only one

2008-03-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

It is with an inflated sense of purpose that I write this evening and for that, I apologize. You see, something has been bothering me lately. And by something, I mean everything. [No wait, much too morose, you've got to seem chipper, man, like a gd chipmunk.] Never mind that, everything is fine, just fine, and just you wait and see what I've got lined up for you tomorrow....

Again, inflated sense of purpose.

School is going well. Today that kids seemed like they learned, which, oddly enough, is always a surprise. They were attentive, they paid attention, and it seemed like their minds never wandered [That was an English joke]. I have been working through certification classes quite well, thank you, except for the mid-term I took today. Wow. You think I would have done a little more planning for that one. Yikes.

The breathing is getting labored and I must insist that I go to bed. I've got a lot lined up for you tomorrow, you see, and I wouldn't want you blabbering on tonight whilst you waste away for the excitement tomorrow. In case you were wondering, I'm going out to breakfast tomorrow and then to a home and garden show. I am not sure that I ever expected suburban life to look like this and yet, it does.

Peace to all and to all a good night. If Becky Imboden is reading this, wow, you are committed.

Tonight we can live as one

2008-02-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

"I would do it again to see if I had survived through luck or by skill."

-Patrick Morrison, sophomore in my third hour, on his thoughts, feelings, etc on what he would do if he survived a NAZI CONCENTRATION CAMP.

He didn't mean to make you cry.

2008-01-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since I posted last and I hate this to be my first one of the new year, new home, etc, but I couldn't pass this up.

The assignment was to use the vocab words in a sentence. This is what the new kid wrote:

"Mr. Spoon was enthralled when he saw me killing people."

Yes, yes I was.

A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle

2007-12-07T21:48:00.001-08:00

Well, I've just finished reading U2 by U2. Good book. Made me remember how much I liked U2. And good lord, can someone turn down the heat in this room? My face is melting off. It's oppressively hot in this room and makes me feel like I'm in the devil's butthole, which, sadly enough, would not be the first time I've been here.

I'm in CA now, getting ready to load up the car with stuff to take back to AZ. Just sitting. Waiting. And wearing a Fayetteville Parks and Rec shirt I bought at Goodwill a few weeks ago. It is orange, and fits me pretty well. I wish it didn't have a slight white paint mark on the left sleeve, but it works out in the end.

Seriously, it's hot in here.

For the past few nights, before I fall asleep these Bright Eyes lyrics run through my head: "There is no truth. There is only you. And what you make the truth." I haven't figured out yet if there is any truth to that statement (ignore the irony) but it certainly is something to keep an honest man looking for a lie.

It is really warm in here.

I haven't yet figured out yet if that maxim cancels itself out. I don't know that it can, but so what if it did? I'm just saying, day to day life seems a little pointless when one is wrestling questions like that, and yet all we have is day to day life. Odd, no?

Time to watch the end of Survivor. I hear the Chinaman gets voted out!

You have changed but I still feel the same...

2007-12-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

Here is a note from a student who failed to turn in her bellwork on Friday (the work we do for the first five minutes of class):

"I don't have my bellwork becaus I forgot my notebook at home and my brother was hitting me on my head and you should feel sorry for me. So Im sorry"

This is how you remind me of who I really am

2007-11-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

[Recently found in a notebook left in class]

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT WE PICKED AND CHOSE WHICH CHILDREN COULD COME!!!

Never going to be as big as Jesus

2007-10-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

The following is a poem from one of my students. The actual assignment was to create a poem using an extended metaphor (remember, a metaphor is comparing two unlike things without using "like" or "as"). I have kept his formatting intact.

I Ball sky high And I try to not lie
Just like Jesus

I'm a holiday that you choose to ignore

2007-10-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

I downloaded the new Radiohead album today. Not a bad job, gents. I must admit that it is very interesting to watch the band's progression. They are just brilliant, but this album doesn't have the raw energy an album like OK Computer had, nor does it have the ethereal feeling that Kid A had. And yet, it just feels right. Enough gushing.

I have given a lot of thought to being a writer lately. Fiction. But for the life of me, I do not think I have a mastery of the English language enough to make an impact. Is that my problem? Am I a fervent underachiever unwilling to apply himself until he knows he can succeed wildly? I read the other day that when he was young, Hunter S Thompson typed out The Great Gatsby word for word. His friends thought him pretentious and asked him why he was doing that. He replied, "I wanted to know what it would feel like to have those words come out on the paper." That has NEVER once crossed my mind and for some reason it was depressing. D said I don't have to create a brilliant work at once and that I should instead just revise something I already have. That sounds depressing to me; like I'm unable to come up with something new and have to settle for something else I've spewed out.

I wonder if that's how I'll end my life: waiting to start something.

Don't know if I blogged on this before, but there was a great article in Time about Mother Teresa losing her faith. She apparently went the last fifty years of her life without feeling God. That's a long time. Wonder how many more year's I'll have. The point is this: I'm sure Mother Teresa could have felt God if He were there. She didn't, so she found an alternative. The alternative was that He was testing her or that somehow it were for her own good. My question is this: What if she didn't feel God because He wasn't there?

I'm sure she wanted him to be there, so she could have invented him to be there but didn't. Instead she chose to wait until she could be sure it was him. And that didn't happen, apparently. I don't know. It's just weird.

D and I are going to rent. Tell the neighbors we're coming.

I'm making carne asada tonight. Should be good, judging by the amount of money I spent on food. Tomorrow D and I are going to Big Bear. I'm really looking forward to it. Not much else going on. Peace.

Don't stop believing

2007-09-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

We were reading a story called "The Most Dangerous Game" when a question came up in my Teacher's Edition I thought I'd ask my seventh hour. The question was, "What role do you think the island will have?"

A girl from behind me and to my left said, "Gayborm."

I said, "What do you say?"

"Nothing," she said dismissively.

"Did you just say 'gay porn'?"

Everyone laughed and through her tears of laughter, she said, "No. Gameboard."

So now in case you hear differently, it was me who brought up gay porn in the classroom.

Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again

2007-09-16T14:34:00.001-07:00

As I was importing "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em" into my iTunes, it struck me that I needed to blog a little ditty about some things.

First, I'm very glad that we asked Hammer kindly to not hurt 'em; who knows what would have happened if we hadn't?

Second, living 375 miles away from my wife was not a great idea. Sure, "it sucks now but it makes sense for what we're doing now," but seriously, not a great way to get closer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that jazz, but if that were true, no one would live with each other. We'd all just move to our own Indios and hide and write love letters to each other. But we don't.

Third, Two Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door the other day. I had a nice little chat with them and now I'm thinking of converting. Oh wait, coming to my door and telling me I'm wrong about everything DOESN'T change my mind. On that note, my favorite bit of dialogue with them went like this:

Her: So you know the world is getting worse, right? What do you think about that?
Me: I don't think it's getting worse
Her: Well the Bible says it is. Look here at Jesus' words in Matthew blah blah blah where he says, "Nation will rise against nation." What do you think Jesus and his disciples were talking about?
Me: When he thought the world would end.
Her: And don't you think he's talking about now?
Me: No.
Her: Really? You don't?
Me: No. Because people have always been fighting.
Her: But you don't think it's getting worse?
Me: No.
Her: Well, we know reality says differently.

Which made me mad. But what am I going to do? I'm going to hell, according to her, so why would the opinion of one heretic change how reality operates? All that to say, if Random Female Asian Jehovah's Witness is reading, I'm sorry. I don't really care what you had to say, but what can you expect from a heathen. If quiet Female White Companion of Random Female Asian Jehovah's Witness is reading, what were your thoughts on the conversation? How did you think it went? Am I now:
a) Closer to heaven
b) Farther from heaven
c) Still on the fence
d) Future unclear; potential convert used logic entirely different than what they prepared us for in Sunday School.

Please send your remarks as soon as possible to me. My eternity is at stake!

In other news, D and I hiked Garcia Trail today. It was hard.

Well, that's all for now. I already made it through The Wallflowers and am now onto Pearl Jam. Keep up the good work.

one nation controlled by the media

2007-09-01T15:07:00.000-07:00

It's time to write. I've been working for just over three weeks in the classroom and am happy to report nothing bad has happened. Kicked out a couple of kids, given a few detentions, and faithfully covered some curriculum too.

I wonder if teaching high school freshman will make me stupid. I was fascinated by the Mother Theresa article in Time recently where her letters to her confessor were published. She admits to more than 50 years wondering if God was distant from her. It got me really excited about reading and writing about religion and I wonder how long it will take that spark to grow into a fire. Oh wait, every spark of friendship and love will die without a home. Meh.

I don't have much else going on in my life. I still find the idea of God interesting but have also felt a certain emptiness that is interesting as well. Death no longer scares me. Maybe it's a phase, but lying in bed listening to my heartbeat wondering if it will stop is now a game, not a fear.

I want to write something substantial. I have no idea what that would be. I want to submit my words to a process that might end up with their destruction although at this point I'm not sure if I want to put the work into it. That's what an underachiever gets: nothing.

Who here among us still believes in choice? Not I.

So hurt me, so hurt me, so hurt me...

2007-07-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm moving to Arizona tomorrow, without my best friend, confidant, and lover. What a crappy situation this is. I can't help feeling like maybe if I play my cards straight and pay attention in class that I won't get this punishment. Am I sad? Yes. But it's very odd being sad for the future when it hasn't happened yet. Anticipatory sadness, what a lovely feeling brewing in my bones.

Speaking of bones, I'm watching a documentary on Bukowski. What an interesting gentleman. He makes me want to smoke and/or be an alcoholic. Neither of which I am. But he brings such a sensibility to self-destruction, as though it were the only way to pure truth. And maybe it is. I've never destructed, so who am I to say? Or have I? Who would know? Enough existentialism, let's get on to the movies!

I've joined Hollywood Video's super happy fun club or whatever that let's me get three movies at any time. So I've seen a lot of movies in the past few days. Highlight? Idiocracy, oddly enough. Lowlight? Miami Vice. Nothing happened in the whole movie! It was like the celluloid equivalent of a Nickelback CD. So I spit in it's general direction.

Speaking of nothing happening, I have noticed my train of thought derailing so, kiss my grits. I'm out.

I want a lover I don't have to love

2007-07-20T22:54:00.001-07:00

Bright Eyes. Lest someone is concerned I'm actually shopping for lovers...

It has been an odd time. I have changed jobs and am now a high school English teacher, or, what I set out to be 8 years ago when I left high school. Maybe now I will walk the halls with pride.

The oddest part about having a significant event take place in my life is my propensity to dwell on it when I'm alone. It's not when I'm with others, only when I'm alone. Like falling asleep. Which I'm fairly certain is the most lonely part of the day. Sleep is starting to bewilder me, and dreams are even more bizarre. Does anyone else notice that we willingly submit to lose control of our conscious minds for 8 hours at a time? Every day? And we don't have an option in the matter? I'm just saying, I'm not getting any 666 tattoo until that whole thing is explained to me.

It has also occurred to me that this blog is on the internet for everyone to see. So I've taken the precaution to edit it appropriately. I apologize to those who were hoping for a direct feed into my brain (which I'm assuming from the number of people who read this will only be me, 5 years from now); it's too late. The feed has been interrupted; all you get now is the ABC, NBC, CBS bullshit (Bright Eyes again).

I went rafting a couple of weeks ago. I had never done that before. It was great. What made it great was the company (Stephen, Dad, and Adam) and the fact that I had to sign a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if I died. Hilarious! A piece of paper versus the end of life. And the paper wins! Anyway, the fear of death was enough to validate my manhood (or just the part of it that wants to stare death in the face and see itself in the reflection) and make me feel good. And now on to Arizona. So take that world.

Not much else. Packing to move. The accumulation of goods is mystifying and after someone explains sleep to me, maybe they can explain the tendency of humans to gain "things." I digress.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

2007-06-15T15:45:00.001-07:00

http://www.travbuddy.com/widget_map_display.php?id=798545

And don't think I won't catch you, either.

2007-06-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot else is new. I scheduled to have an interview with the associate dean and the provost in a few weeks in regards to teaching FWS in the fall. That would be really cool and I'm stoked that it might happen.

I am pretty bored right now. Not sure what causes that, but I imagine that lack of intellectual stimulation is the main reason we don't speak Latin now. I just yawned. Now I'm even boring myself. I wish I could just leave my body and go swimming or something and then come back and rejoin myself in an hour or so. Speaking of which, I did finish Palahniuk's Rant recently. Great read. I want to see it in a movie but will probably have to wait at least until Choke comes out.

Go team.

Blame it on the Tetons

2007-06-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

Things suck right now. I can't really go into details yet but it does involve losing a best friend. That sucks.

We did go to the Arcade Fire's Neon Bible concert last Wednesday. It was phenomenal. They started their concert with this video. It was great.

I love the sound of you walking away, you walking away

2007-05-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

I now have my masters degree. What a thing. And my parents sent me a basket full of treats for my accomplishments. I feel sick right now, not from eating them, but from not eating them. The preceding statement was entirely false.

I'm at work, ready to go home and not sure if I should stick around or not. I got here early so I could leave early but 20 minutes early? Seems a little ambitious. Or not. Whatever. I'm out.

Is that me, baby, or just a brilliant disguise?

2007-05-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I present my thesis. And by present, I mean defend. Not sure what that means but I think it means that they will mercilessly attack my sources, ideas, and points of view. Or whatever. I guess I'm nervous enough about it to talk about it but I don't think it's a very big thing.

Tried to see the Arcade Fire performance on iTunes. Downloaded the February 24 SNL episode they were on but wouldn't you know it, their performance wasn't included. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me especially because it comes up in the search window in iTunes. Crap on everybody.

So I guess that's about it. We're going camping this weekend with Geoff and Kyle, and Casey and Tim. It should be a good time. I'm looking forward to sitting on the beach and just letting the sun cook my carcass. Well, enough for now. See you all later.

If you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it all the time?

2007-05-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

I have finished my masters thesis and will be defending it next week. I'm not sure what the defense looks like, but I'm sure it'll be a rip-roaring time, full of heady things like, "So, did you read this book?" And I'll say, "Read it? I feel like I wrote it!" And then we'll all have a good chuckle and go out for beers. Or tea. Or whatever it is scholarly people do.

The DATH cancelled their shows out here last week. It was sad. We have gone to Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse, and in a few weeks we'll see The Arcade Fire. I wanted to see all these bands this year, I just didn't know it would happen in the month of May. Oh well. Yes mom, I'll wear earplugs. But only because I heard that's how marijuana smoke is inhaled.

Work is okay. I officially started a list of things I want to do before I leave and anytime I am distracted, I look at the list and refocus myself. So far, it works pretty good. Except for right now. But this doesn't count. This is my fifteen minute morning break. Speaking of mornings, I have been sleeping oddly lately. Tired all day, sleeping for 8-9 hours a night, and only really energetic for the 3 minutes after I shower but before I put on pants. What can be the cause of this nonsense?

Speaking of nonsense, I've gotten into watching movies lately. Here's the list for the month of May:
Borat
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Lucky Number Slevin
Logan's Run
The General
Casino Royale
Rocky Balboa
Rebel Without a Cause
Raging Bull

And a few more, I think, that I can't remember. I like the Scorsese. Uhh, that's about it for now. Some day soon I'll have "a single thought, the least bit legitimate enough."

Polly wants a cracker

2007-04-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm usually not too affected by current events, and I'm not even sure if I am now, but yesterday on NPR they were interviewing a kid who survived the shootings at VA Tech. He described how he instantly fell to the floor and hid behind a desk while the shooter shot people around him. Apparently the shooter reloaded three times and didn't shoot this kid. He doesn't know why.

Anyway, while the shooter was shooting, this kid and the girl next to him on the floor kept their eyes locked on each other "trying to stay human." He and this girl had never really talked and he didn't know her name (she would get shot in the back and apparently survive) but he still knew that he needed to stay human. I don't know what it means, but it resonates strongly with me. He didn't say stay alive, he said "stay human." As though that was what was at stake, not life or death. Very interesting.

Fire it up

2007-04-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm watching COPS right now. There is a white woman who looks like she has a beard and there are some other people barbecuing a giant steak and now a skinny white cop is yelling to beard lady, "Give me your ID! How hard is that to understand?" Good times.

Love me the COPS. Not sure how it all fits together, but Lord knows it's connected to the rest of us. Today I hung a picture of Hunter S Thompson on my office wall. I am wondering how long it's going to be before someone says something. Not sure that there are any people in there who know what he stood for. I don't know if I know what he stood for, but there is something about his persona that is engaging. A very compelling man, he is.

We moved into a smaller office yesterday. There is a wall between Wayne and I now. Literally, I mean. Figuratively is up for discussion.

Pretty sad still. Don't know why. The war? Doubt it, but it plays well with the liberals. Lack of prayer in schools? Doubtful, but it plays well with the conservatives. I wonder if some of my problem is that I believe that my life is a narrative, when in fact it very well could be the paper the narrative is written on. Let me try again: I feel that if I somehow pull myself out of space and time and observe with a scientist's/poet's/bohemian's eye it would make sense. But what if it didn't (or isn't supposed to)? What if from my imagined vantage point there was the same amount of confusion as from here and instead of an anthill (which, though chaotic, has purpose), it looked like an anthill on fire, with every ant and reason purposed for survival and that was it? And the ants didn't like the thought of dying for no purpose and created God and family and love? That would be a reason to be sad.

For a minute there, I lost myself.

Not much chance of survival if the neon Bible is right...

2007-03-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

I just noticed I said I would have a master's degree in March in my previous post. That was a lie. I will have a master's degree in May.

I had an odd thought the other day and that was this: I want to write letters to the me from five years ago with bits of advice. Then I realized all this would be was me trying to sound smart and tell myself everything I know now but didn't then, and to what end would that be? So I can think about either how stupid I was then or how smart I am now or how nothing is going to change in the past? Silly. I'm not old enough to worry about the past. I'll leave that until I am sitting in a rocking chair and cussing at kids.

I leave for Mexico in just over a week. Bizarre, knowing that it will probably be my last trip to Mexicali. Right now, I can only see to the next day because anything past that seems like its too far in the future and I'll never get there. Fatalistic? Of course. Who can see anything else?

And the thought that in a few billion years every single molecule in the universe will have eventually moved so far away from each other that they literally stop moving and fall apart. Matter will cease to exist. That's enough of a reason to be a nihilist. And I haven't found a compelling reason not to be...

You're going to get what you deserve

2007-03-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting week/month/year. I don't feel like I know too much more than I did when I last posted but here are some my current thoughts.

-Blogging is hard.
-I don't know what to think about stuff.
-I think I'm going to get a job as a videogame tester. Not true, but I like doing that.
-I will have a master's degree in March.
-Arcade Fire is brilliant.

With the world at large why should I remain?

2007-01-06T22:06:00.000-08:00

This is great. Check out the Beaver Trilogy if you want more back story. This American Life (NPR) did a story on the director Trent Harris and it's fascinating if you can find it. This is only part one; in future episode Sean Penn plays this character. In the final episode, Crispin Glover (Marty McFly's dad in Back to the Future) plays this character. Brilliant.

Even when the weather is cold, cold, cold...

2006-12-21T19:48:00.001-08:00

When the truth is found to be lies...

2006-12-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of stuff going on in my life. Well, not really. Everything is mundane and excitement is only misunderstood agression.

I was good and depressed last night before bed. I am reading new Eggers (What is the What) and I really do love his writing, but it seems to do a great job at pointing out the horrific, but it's always couched within normalcy. I really love that outlook. Palahniuk does a good job of that too. Anyway, all of that was running through my head as I thought about sleep. And I'm convinced that thinking about how sad you are is a wonderful way to feel terrible. Brave new assumption there, I know, but I am pretty sure it's true.

About God, you ask? Well, he's still there, I reckon. I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing. I know some of it isn't meant to be understood, but still....

The biggest stumbling block I have now are those self-checks I perform every few hours to see if I don't believe because I don't want to or if I don't believe because I'm non-committal or I don't know if I believe but am pretty sure I'm working on it. The sublime is in the search? Whatever. Sure, I'll commit to something when I believe it's true, (which is at least some kind of movement from my previous thoughts) I'm just not sure how that will look. Another thought I guess I have is this: How hard must one look for God in order to be counted for credit from Him in the "seeking" category? What a selfish SOB I am. I think that question tells me more about my faith than anything else. If that's the only reason I'm looking, than I certainly haven't found it yet or am even close.

That's all for now. More later if the pen is willing.

Sometimes when you close your eyes you can see the place you used to live

2006-12-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm fairly convinced that I just bombed a midterm. I wish I didn't think that way but I just do.

Stephen has my name for Xmas. What to get the guy who has everything? A better attitude? A more unique perspective on things? Is that on eBay? Too many question marks? Yes?

I'm heading back to the Mile High state in a week and a half. Go team. Why do I report this, you ask? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm a little nervous or something. Who can say what dangers lurk in the heart of man?

I'm selling a lot of stuff on eBay and making barely any money. I think at this point I've made, oh, about $70. Totally worth it. Only 20 hours of work for barely enough to pay for the gas that it took to buy the crap. Whatever. It's a good experiment.

Not much else.

Love,
Grandma and Grandpapa

Like brothers on a hotel bed

2006-12-04T16:09:00.000-08:00

It's official. I'm back. Part of me wanted to wait until I turned thirty to post another blog (mostly to point out the irony in saying I was going to post everyday and then not doing it) and another part of me felt guilty for not posting everyday so I just avoided posting. But, like punching an elderly woman behind a counter in a small town, you just have to return and get back at it.

After spending the past few days in North Carolina, I can say this: Charlotte is for whiners.

I've had a lot more thoughts on faith, but I fear that using this medium as a means for describing them won't work. I'm just now at a place where I'm convinced I believe in something but if I try to enunciate it it will disappear, like staring at a faint star. You are sure it exists, but when you try to focus on it your eyes can't see it. Truth is that star for me. I see a glimmer of it but everywhere I look closes up over it when I burn my vision towards it. Enough metaphor.

Class is nice. I am learning a lot in it, but I also feel affirmed, like it's okay to have questions about existence and God and everything else. I'm like a boat floating in an ocean but nowhere to anchor...

I've gotten into eBay lately, mostly just buying shit and trying to resell it to people. This is probably the most focused (or organized) I've been with a project in a long time but all I have to show for it is about $50. Which is fine except that I've spent 20 hours working on it so my per hour pay is roughly the same as it is for upper management at the factory where your computer's guts were soldered. On the other hand, I have another job that feeds the beast so all is well.

Here are the websites I check daily: Gamespot.com (for all my nerd news), Straightdope.com (for all my nerd trivia), and Freakonomics.com (for all my nerd economics).

Sammy has a matte in his hair and on his portrait. Toby looks like a worn-out teddy bear. I miss Stephen. I'm like a guy who misses things...

I'm only happy when it rains

2006-10-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

Thus begins the second straight day of writing. Note the time of entry to discern my commitment to this endeavor...

I went to the orthodontist today. The news he gave me was much more encouraging than the last orthodontist. This quote came in at $700 with a whitening included (with no braces, only retainers at night) versus the other guy, which came to $3300 and a year of braces. I'm not sure what this means. And where is Asian number 1 cutting corners? (See they're both Asians so I can say things like this. I have an Asian orthodontist.)

I sent a couple of emails today to people in charge of my masters program. We'll see what happens with that whole thing. I think I get to take a couple of more classes and something else. Oh yeah, the paper and the test.

Do I want to try to be an adjunct professor at APU? Short answer, probably. But if the requirements are as easy as they might be (and if I'm done after Sumner's class), maybe I should push to finish in December. Weird. That should give me some short-term motivation. Just what I needed...

I'm not sure how much more typing I can stand. A writer without a voice is a like a singer without a hand.

Clever? Not really. Hence my issues...

Peace to all.

But she breaks just like a little girl

2006-10-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with my life. I really don't. And the movies or books or cliches of a wandering 20-something suddenly make sense. There is just this feeling of unrest and opportunity at the same time bubbling in side of me. Like I could do anything in the world if I wanted to but I have no idea what I want to do.

It's not like I'm lost. I know right where I am. I just don't know why. The reasons that I had for getting here have either changed entirely or have been forgotten and I wish that I could come up with a few better ones. But what really would change if I did? What if I knew exactly why I was doing what I'm doing now in the job in the neighborhood with the friends with the life "and blah, blah, blah" (to quote S and G)? Would my day to day life change? Or would just my outlook be a little different? Am I looking for peace? Lots of things could give me that, ranging from a few stiff drinks or a good nap or a fulfilled sense of purpose. I just don't think that inner peace is a good enough reason for me right now.

Maybe it's a God-sized hole in my heart. Which makes me wonder how He got out of there what with the security system its got on it. Well, if you see him, tell him to get back in there, we've been worried about him.

Also of note: Note to self: You are going to write every day (NO EXCEPTIONS) for the next year, and you can reward yourself by buying a 360 and Halo 3, because it might be out by the time you finish your goal.

Additional note to self: Remember to set overly ambitious goals that you will feel guilty for missing later.

It's getting easy

2006-10-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

I'm traveling again. Right now I'm in Edmonton, AB and tomorrow I'm leaving for Minneapolis, MN. Zone meetings are a real kick in the head, I'll tell you.

The past few days have been interesting. I woke up the other day realizing that there is no such thing as knowing something. Everyone who says they "know" something is saying that they have a belief backed by experience, or reason, or history or whatever. For example, if someone says "I know that God exists," they are saying that from what they believe, with whatever information or experience they have had, that God exists. This could be through an emotional experience, a feeling, the logical connection of events, an illogical happening like a miracle, whatever. But to say for certain that God exists and try to define that is impossible.

I realize this sounds odd, but on the flip side, one cannot make any statements about knowledge without using faith. I say that I know the moon exists, but I am putting faith in scientists, the media, my ability to perceive and interpret knowledge, etc. I cannot say that I know the moon exists as an absolute truth because it is essentially unproveable as a stand-alone truth. It must be accompanied by other statements of faith. And that's just the moon, not even trying to prove a concept like love, or faith, or justice, or freedom.

It's so frustrating to have a thought like this and feel like I'm beginning to understand it a little better even though we talked about this concept in one of my classes. Lesslie Newbegin touches on this in one of his books and even though I read the book and understood it I guess I didn't internalize it. Is that the task of a reader to believe?

I like the Dutch. I've felt really at home in Abbotsford and here, and I'm beginning to wonder if I need to move to a Dutch community somewhere. They're good folk.

Bye for now.

Don't look back in anger

2006-09-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've told you about my dog Sammy. He's a little slow.

Every now and then I bump something or say something to myself and he runs out the door barking at the noise I've made. Sometimes I will walk into another room and make a noise and he barks at me, I think because he thinks I'm an intruder. So I've taken to yelling, "It's only me!" after I make a sound. But I imagine that if you were outside of our house, patiently and quietly waiting, after awhile, you would hear some walking, me bumping into something, Sammy start barking, and me yelling "It's only me!" The thought that you might someday hear that is one of the only reasons I still do it.

Oh momma, is it really the end?

2006-09-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've been to Europe and returned. I've been to West Covina and returned. More on both of these events later. While in Europe I kept a recorded by my side with the intention of transcribing it. I will do this soon, but haven't decided how I want to format it yet. Each entry as its own post here? Date and time divisions? Who knows, but I promise it's not important.

Two nights ago I had a dream that went something like this: while at my grandparents house (which was somehow in the high desert area of California) I glanced out their giant picture window and saw three mushroom clouds rising. I turned to my dad and said, "They've bombed LA, San Diego, and [forgotten detail]." They came to the window and watched as the San Diego shockwave raced towards us. I remember my thoughts went something like this: "I'm going to die. There is no way around this. I hope I was right about the whole God thing." I put up my hand as the shockwave came closer and just hoped that there was some way I could stop it. My POV changed and I was looking down at myself as the wave moved slightly around me and then engulfed me from behind. Right then, I woke up. Creepy feeling to wake up to.

I really enjoy dreams. Everything is so real and so emotional and not. It's so real that the experiences carry from sleep into the awake. I woke up feeling odd, but the feelings I had were from an experience that only took place in my head. The perception of fear was real to me. I love perceptions. All of life is dictated by how we perceive things but it seems to me that dreams indicate that perception is easily modified. How much can I trust my perception?

I'm reading a lot. While in Europe I read Kesey, Thompson, Bukowski, Moore, and Irving. I read more Moore upon getting back (who talks like this anymore?) and I'm going through Catcher in the Rye now. I think that's one book that I read every few years and can say that I really view myself differently each time I read it.

Peace to all.

That's me in the corner

2006-07-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

Here it comes. I've been thinking a lot about things lately and I have to get my thoughts out. I'm not sure of their significance, but it's where I am. (Note to self: This will probably end up being either pompous or disjointed or a combination of both. Don't judge yourself too strongly as a result of that, you are merely being honest. There is nothing wrong about where you are in life and your thoughts. Seek the raw truth.)

1) I think I am at the end of my faith. Because I seek knowledge and only what I can understand, believing in things unseen is a much more difficult task than I ever thought. I always assumed I believed in the intangibles of the faith but upon further review, it was just that I only believed in a non-committal way. Odd.

So I am now committed to finding truth wherever it lay, and if the faith of my past doesn't stand up to scrutiny, it clearly isn't something that is truth. Truth itself cannot and will not shirk from investigation. It goes against its nature. I cannot get rid of truth and say there is nothing, because it seems that there is something that is right. I am not willing to dispose of the concept of truth, mainly because that leaves me with only humankind as the end result of millions of years of evolution. And it's not evolution that I have a problem with, it's that if there is nothing else besides coincidence, then we are left to our own devices to determine what is "right" or "good" and we don't have a very good precedent for that (cf. the 20th century, what with its wars and rumors of wars and all).

Maybe I am trying to admit that I want to have the crutch that some atheists view religion as. I really don't want to be the product of consequence and happenstance, and I guess that's all the farther I can go down that line of thought. I can't commit to the possibility that there is nothing else, so I'm defining my boundaries as being that: truth does exist and something exists outside of us.

I can't leave this topic alone. I'm not sure why. My only guess is that I can't intellectually determine why I want something else, I just really want something else. So maybe I'm trying to find the intellectual buttress to support this section of my faith structure.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Something in me wants to explore other faiths but I don't know how committed I would be to that. At the same time, I absolutely must be willing to look for truth everywhere. There is not one faith that can contain all truth, because that would mean that anything that happened outside of that faith structure was wrong. Because we are operating within the structure of time, I think that societies that existed prior to faith structures should have the same opportunities for finding truth. There is nothing new about this idea but I think I'm starting to internalize it.

[This post was begun on July 31, 2006 and was left unfinished.]

Who would want to be such a control freak

2006-07-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while. I've been super busy and haven't had any classes in a while so I don't get any time to relax.

I'm reading Bukowski now, and he's delicious. I have to write this down or else I'll forget it:

"Just think, if they hadn't airbrushed the cock and balls off the Christ child, you wouldn't be reading this." Charles Bukowski, 1969

This is from his introductory notes. It's a great sentence. I need to get some things out, so I'll write more later.

It was an honest mistake

2006-06-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

It's the last night of class. I'm talking about masturbation. I wish I was home, not because I'm ashamed to talk about masturbation in front of conservative people (though it might be fun and I'll be disappointed if no one challenges my thoughts), no, I wish I was home because I'm over this class and these people.

I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago I was trying to listen to public radio and a report on Iraq or some such nonsense when a crappy Christian song started interferring with the reception. It went something like this:

"In Iraq today, 25 people were killed when a car bomb exploded in a LORD YOU ARE EVERYTHING I NEED AND I WANT TO reactions were mixed, and though no group claimed responsibility THE WATER I NEED, THE PLACE I CAN GO TO LOVE and to date, the deadliest attack in the Basra region WHENEVER I CALL TO YOU."

It is so like Christians to think that their worship is more valid than the ills of the world. I know it wasn't intentional, but if our only response to pain and suffering is a clanging gong or resounding symbol. It's crappy. I don't like it.

I'm reading Hunter S. Thompson right now. He's a badass. I think I want to be like him, except for the killing oneself. I can recognize that it was the only way out for him and that his character demanded it, but for catssake, that boy can write! I finished a Bukowski book earlier this month too and I just right now as I'm sitting here recognize that these men experienced first and wrote what they felt. It makes sense; both of them wrote in about the same period of time and I wonder if it's an American phenomenon (Hemingway, et al). Probably not, but what can you do?

I don't know if my faith is mine.

Peace.

You can't raise a baby on motor oil

2006-06-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

It's been interesting.

I think I'm running out of seratonin. I've been sleeping a lot. And I just found out tonight that I have to write a bunch for my class. I think I'll write about masturbation. Or having In God We Trust on money. I know I wrote about that before, but it would be nice to reuse my other stats. I'm just afraid its too vague a topic.

Danielle is working a lot. The World Cup is going on. Wayne and I are going to watch the U.S. play the Czech Republic that I Tivo'd tomorrow. Bad English. Tomorrow, Wayne and I are going to watch a private airing of the U.S. vs Czech Republic World Cup Game that originally aired today at 9 am. And I'm going to drink beer and cook polish dogs.

I really don't want to write these papers. It seems like overkill. Hate the man, serve the man.

Peace.

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe...

2006-06-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

It's a slow night in class.

I'm trying to write a paper on masturbation. It would seem that from an ethical standpoint the Bible is nice and vague on it, while there are people on both sides of the issue on this side of AD. All that to say, I'm afraid that most of my paper will be concessions and the rest will be vauge. What a way to live.

There is not a lot else going on with me. Danielle is in school two nights a week and sometimes working three days a week. The pay is nice?

I really like summer. I really don't like working in the summer. I need to teach during the school year and get summer's off. Done and done.

I tried to get Radiohead tickets but it sold out in about 15 seconds. Rat bastards. And I heard Thom Yorke is releasing a solo album in July. Hope it's better than Billy Corgan's.

There's a great lady in our class whose name is Marva. She brings in her laptop, powercord, powerstrip, and A PRINTER to class each week about 20 minutes late, boots up with volume high, and never turns off her sound. It is hilarious. One time, her phone rang 3 different times with volume high and she didn't turn it off. At one point, she pulled it out and looked at it and THEN PUT IT RIGHT BACK. Lovely. I would love to have a camera follow her around all day. She is a character.

Speaking of characters, I didn't call Mom and Dad this weekend. Everytime I do, they seem to want to talk about Stephen. Rabble rousers? Who can say. But I'd still cuss Stephen out if I had the chance. Just because...

Peace everywhere.

Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?

2006-05-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have the Gnarls Barkley song stuck in my head. So it goes.

I'm reading more Dave Eggers. I really like him. I'm reading AHWSG, his memoirs about raising his brother after his parents die within 5 months of each other. He has such a refreshing style to his writing and it's nice to be talked to as an equal while reading. I also have a Ian McEwan book that I should start because his prose is beautiful, just beautiful, and I wish I could write like that.

I am planning my last two classes right now. It looks like I might get to take some Christian Ethics class on terrorism, or might have to, I guess. If I want to be done in December, it looks like I'll get to take something like that. And then a Sumner class to finish it all off. I wish this school had more options available, because it's a little lame that I have to take something that I'm not really interested in to finish. I have to waste electives on classes I'd elect not to take if given the chance. Fight everyone.

Saw M:I:III today. I hate the title and I hate the font in the movie that transitions the viewer from location to location. It was miserable. The movie was okay, but Tom Cruise is crazy. And I have it on good rumor that he might be gay. Like I care.

I hope to love the sensual.

Peace.

2006-05-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

While we were staying with Danielle's folks in the hotel room, everyone was asleep and I couldn't get comfortable. Then I noticed how incredibly warm I was. No matter what I did, take off my shirt, go outside for a few minutes, fan myself, I couldn't cool down at all. Eventually, I calmed down and decided to put in earplugs because her dad is a notoriously loud snorer and there were some partiers across the street. (By the way, the next morning I saw the testicles of one of those partiers as he burst out the door holding them out for his friends to see.)

After I put the earplugs in, I remembered why I hate them. All I can hear and feel is my heart beating, and that scares me, like it's one of those things I shouldn't think about or else it will get self-conscious and quit under the pressure. And then I remembered that that's why I don't like being under water; I can hear the one thing that separates me from death and it's unsettling. It's not a fear of water, it's a fear of self.

I also had some other thoughts I thought would be profound in the morning but it never works out that way. Everything seems clear and vague at the same time when you are falling asleep and if there were some way to record those thoughts, it would be the most pure poetry and art ever created. Let's get onto that project, okay eggheads?

The taste of love is sweet, when hearts like ours meet

2006-05-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

Here we go.

My parents in law just left this morning to return to AZ. It was nice having them out here. Stephen is staying with us this weekend and I can honestly say I just don't get his relationship. Everyday he spends about an hour fighting with her on the phone and it just doesn't seem enjoyable. But it's what he wants. So do we discourage the relationship? How do you convince someone that life is better than what they are accepting? I just point and laugh and hope that someone will do the same for me.

Pablo Honey came in the mail. Still haven't listened to it. And I did start reading Interview with the Vampire. It's an interesting concept, but it hasn't enraptured me the same way Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt did.

Time to not learn.

But who would wanna be, who would wanna be, such a control freak

2006-05-04T19:32:00.000-07:00

In Church and Society we are discussing how patriotic Christians should be. I wish I could have discussions like this all the time. It is a massively dividing issue, but somehow, we have only gotten a little emotional about it. There are so many issues tied to it (authority, identity, orderliness, etc.) and we could spend all night talking about it. My wife would hate this discussion. There is no definite answer.

I just found out I got a 92% on my final. That's great. And it's official: I'm never studying for anything again. Unless it's important.

Time to review that final. Oooooo boy.