I got a stolen wife and a rhinestone life

I'm listening to Beck's "Odelay" album. If you have a chance, listen to the commentary about empty life on the song Sissyneck. I want to make a video about it. And I'm still listening to the Flaming Lips "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots." The first song on the album, Fight Test, is so beautiful as it builds in intesity and describes the narrator's attempt at pacifism. It starts out with a distorted voice saying, "The test begins now," as though he felt was being tested on his beliefs and failed.

In other news, I think I'm going to be a teacher. After having today off (Memorial Day), I thought, "I really enjoy having time off. Teacher's have time off. I want to be a teacher." Yesterday at a graduation party I was watching a slideshow about cross-country and thought, "It would be fun to coach cross-country." So that makes it two thoughts in two days about a career. That's a lot for me. I guess those aren't the best reasons to begin teaching, but I think that those perks could win me over quickly.

CO was fun. It was short but seeing the family again was cool. It's hard because I know that I'll see them again in a couple weeks, so there wasn't the desire to spend a lot of time together because I always assumed that next time we'll get to hang out more. It was funny like that.

And I learned that my dad and brother talked about my topic of sex on this blog. Which is funny because I mentioned it once in passing. And I've said more about God on this blog than anything else. I hope that they talk about faith, too.

That's all. Time for class. I'm out.

I was wrong, I thought I was right

It's just another day in paradise. Last week we went to PHX on Friday and turned around on Sunday and drove back. It was a short trip, but I feel like I rested a lot. That was nice.

I feel empty. I hate when I go through days just waiting for life to happen to me. It's on those days that I'm not even looking for truth or beauty or love; I'm just floating. There is something to be said for floating, I guess, but what if life was something that consumed me? What if everyday was a chance to find God rather than trying to let Him find me? I swear spirituality is not something that happens to us it's something that we create. Maybe, I just don't protect myself enough and allow life to be rich in mystery and instead allow the mediocre to be my norm.

It's all gibberish, I know. But that's inside my head and it's times like these that make me want to say, "If I could just take a pill and make this all normal, I would." Except that pill doesn't exist and the search for it leads to death.

If I were to die today, would I go to heaven? I have faith to say yes, but what evidences besides faith? I swear this emptiness is weird, because in a logical sense, how does emptiness consume anything? How does nothing overwhelm the something? And yet that's what it feels like.

Part of me wants to logic it all out and part of me wants to wallow in it. Which side is better? Which side leads to truth? There is truth in loneliness and there is truth in life. However, the embracing of emptiness seems, well, a little empty.

It's all gibberish, I know. Someday, I'll look back on it and say, "that meant that and it all makes sense." I just get pissed off that most of my life feels like that. Most of my life feels like I will look back on it someday and understand and right now there's no meaning.

God, help me enjoy the mystery. Help me look past the past and long for the present reality and the future hope. Please please please may I live a life that reflects You. Amen.

How long will we sing this song?

My stomach hurts. I'm lactose intolerant and I think it was the carmel frappucino I had that is kicking me in the bile right now. Woof.

That is all.

Knocking on heaven's door

In case no one has noticed, I'm trying to write titles taken from songs. It's actually kind of hard to think of them, which is odd considering I have songs stuck in my head all day long. The point is, I wish I could have come up with a better title than knocking on heaven's door, a lame song from the 80s.

I'm in class right now, which is boring. I wish that I could pull more out of it but I think I'm very distracted by the notion of the entire internet just a few clicks away. Becuase I love information so much, it is such a temptation that it's not even funny. And apparently I always cave.

I went to church yesterday. I showed up at 9:30 for a service that apparently started at 9:00. Oops. And I went to the traditional service which was just that, full of traditional people. And by traditional, I mean old. It was interesting though, because on the way, I thought to myself, "I'm going to look for God today" instead of looking for things that I liked and didn't like. Which was interesting for me, especially as a consumer. I can't even really think of a comparison. I guess it's kind of like walking into a store with the expressed intent to find things for sale but not needing to buy. That metaphor really doesn't work, though, because I do need God.

Instead of looking for Him based on preferences, I just went looking to see where He would show up. It was a very freeing experience. And for a bit, I could imagine myself sitting with these old people each week and trying to find God together. It was nice.

So I'll probably go next week to the contemporary service but with the same attitude. I'm not going to find a perfect church, but if I look for Him, I can find a perfect God.

Can't buy me love

Well you could. If you had the money.


It's been awhile since I last posted. Not a lot has changed since then. I am digging the Flaming Lips, though. And my dad came and went. He was out here for graduation. Becky's, not mine. Fragmented sentences are neat.

Time to get back to work. I'm still trying to figure out how to love God. Tell the kids.

Relevant and the like

In this month's relevant magazine there is an article about Moby. He says some very interesting things about Christianity that make me like him more. He seems to have an incredible grasp of the Bible and understands the principles of Christ very well. He's my new favorite DJ.

I'm still working my way through Searching for God Knows What. I've come to a part that describes Christianity as being outside formulas and states that we have reduced it to a bunch of trivia. Miller says that we seem to give preference to those who have an uncanny ability to memorize. I think that's funny.

But he also says that we shouldn't be doing this. We can't even describe the relationship between a man and a woman; but we have a formula for becoming a Christian. (Believe these things, say this prayer, follow this code, etc.) He says we should allow the mystery of it all to define as well. The closest the Bible comes to it is a bunch of metaphors (Bridegroom of Christ, lost sheep, etc.) and that should be good enough for us.

I hope that it is. I pray that I do learn how to enjoy that mystery. And especially since Ryan and I talked yesterday, I've tried to imagine some steps I can follow to love God, or I've tried to imagine some things I can change. Maybe I'm going about it the wrong way. Maybe I should be trying to appreciate the mystery of it and dwelling on that more. How do I love my wife? It's not a simple answer. How much more complex should my answer be to how I love God?

How do I love Thee?

Today I had lunch with Ryan Daffron. He is the brother of a co-worker but also has become a friend of mine. I've been thinking about calling him lately because he just moved down here from Oregon.

We were just catching up with each other for awhile and he asked me about church. I told him I didn't go. He asked why not. I told him this: "We started not going to church right after we got married because Danielle's spirituality does not revolve around doing things that she doesn't want to do. Why should we go to church if we didn't want to. My spirituality was founded on going to church out of duty, not relationship. So we have this interesting dilemma: whose faith wins? It's a lot easier to not go than to go, so often we don't go. And now we have gotten into the habit of not going, which makes it easier and easier to not go."

His response: "This bothers me."

Then he proceeded to probe further into my spiritual background. There was a lot of discussion back and forth, but ultimately, I garnished several things.

1) If we love God, we should keep His commandments. And his commandments will not be grievous to us. If going to church is a burden to us, we shouldn't go to church. But it is probably more indicative to our state of loving God than we let on. Therefore, the real question is, do I love God?
2) Spiritually thinking, I have let fear control my relationship with my wife. I have not taken an active role in leading our family spiritually. I actually had an actual problem with this (Why should my wife have to listen to me spiritually? Why wouldn't her spiritual role be as leader?) until Ryan said, "That's why the church is the bride of Christ. We need leading." And I then remembered something Danielle had told me once before. She reminded me that she was first attracted to me as a leader while we were in Mexico.
3) I need to seek God. I had tried to convince myself that maybe the Church needed me, whether it was for leadership, or guidance, or money, or whatever. Ryan said, "The Church doesn't need you though. Do you hear yourself? All of your words imply that there are people who need you and ultimately, they don't. People don't define your strengths or self-worth or anything. God does."

The whole thing was a real good ass-kicking, and it has given me new thought about it all. I want to find God. I want to love Him. And despite my attempts to beat myself up over it, God still has grace, and is still very very interested in what I am doing.

Ryan also reminded me that Satan has a great desire to see me fail. And he said that it is very hard to work at APU and remain spiritually filled because it is such a spiritual place. And even though I'm not sure what I exactly believe about Satan, I can admit that where I am now in life is a turning point. I think I see a much greater importance now in finding God and only Him. And what makes me think that Satan does want me to fail is the voice I can hear right now that is telling me that trying to force knowledge of God and love of God is futile.

God, please please please give me the desire to know you more. Forgive me when I fail: I am depraved without You. Give me grace as only You can. Search me and find me and make me whole. Revive a desire to only seek Your face and Your approval and Your knowledge.

I don't wanna be

There are some times when I just look at the world around me, mostly just the alley off Vista Bonita in Glendora, and think that life is going well. I love the way the sunset feels, you know? The sun has just barely set and the air is cooling down and the only way to feel anything is just to take off your clothes and stand there, staring at the sky. I have to look through the power lines and phone lines and junk, but the air just feels like the Earth is happy to have us all here. When it's raining, the Earth seems like it's trying to wash us all down the drain or something.

Tuesday evening was one of those perfect evenings. My wife and I had just finished talking. I grabbed a water, and stepped out our front door and onto our tiny little lawn and just knew that life was worth living. It just was. Everything made sense and there was a tiny moment of lucidity when the human experience was beautiful, flaws and all.

Other days aren't like that. Today it was raining and just felt crappy. Rain just seems like such a waste to me. You can't see anything, you can't go out and love it, in fact when it's raining, everyone and everything tries to stay dry. Animals hide, humans try to cover their heads and run towards shelter, even the sun doesn't try to shine. What's the first thing you need if you are on a desert island? Water. Second thing? Shelter. There's a reason you need a shelter: to keep the water off you. You've never of people drowning during a drought, nope, only in flash floods and rivers and oceans and lakes. I'm just saying: water belongs inside the human body, not falling from the sky and trying to wash us away. The ocean is cool, but only when I know I can get out of it, not when I'm caught in an undertow or something.

There really isn't anything else in my life right now. I'm conflicted because life seems so sunny and stuff but I never know when the rain will come. And I guess someone could tell me that there are seasons for everything, but I still hate the rain.

And I hate when I try to sound philosophical. I don't have the brains to be a philosopher, and I don't have the skills to be an artist. So I'm caught in this netherworld where the mediocre reside. Which is fine, but I just think I'm better than mediocre. Not great or brilliant or anything, just upper-middle normal. We'll all float on all right.

Get up and die if you wanna

Today was a rough day at work. Not a lot of work was actually done, due mostly in part to my lack of concern for work getting done. I didn't get too excited about anything and, as a result, didn't do a whole lot of anything.

Apathy is dumb. But it works. At least when you don't want to get anything done.

In other news, we didn't go to church yesterday. Which isn't that much of a surprise to me, but maybe it's news for someone.

"I missed you the other day," God said.

"Really? I didn't think you noticed!" I said.

"Of course I did. I saved you a seat near the back so you couuld leave early and not talk to anyone," He said.

"I really appreciate that. You're okay, God." I said.

"Of course I am," He said.

"Can I ask you something? It might be a little elemental, but I'm confused about it, still," I said.

"Go ahead," He said.

"Why should I go to church? I know that it's where the Body of Christ lives and that we have to surround ourselves with 'believers' and that a coal away from a fire burns out, but it seems like those are weird reasons to go hear someone else's idea about You and sing songs. You know what I mean?" I asked.

"Yup. Sure do. I actually don't prefer those kind of churches Myself," He said.

"You don't?" I asked. (I didn't believe Him at this point, because I'm pretty sure that He's a lot more ironic than I give Him credit for.)

"Nope. I prefer churches that worship Me and remember Me and have fun together and live life together and share their thoughts together and grow closer to Me together. People have really tried to turn it into a formula, you know, one song intro, pastor greeting, three songs, pastor talk, one song close while offering is passed around, and blah, blah, blah. True spirituality is a lot more than a building and some songs. It can be found in those places but it doesn't end there. True spirituality and relationship is built through people. Real life people."

"So what you're saying is: I can go hang out with people instead of going to a building on Sunday mornings," I said.

"No, I'm saying that Christianity functions best through people. People who desire nothing more than to love each other and Me," He said. "And besides, it's not like you're doing that anyway. You sit on your butt on Sunday mornings and watch TV and do chores. All of which are fine. But where's your community?"

"Uhhh, Xbox Live? I mean, at any given moment there are thousands of people playing at any moment," I said.

"Riiight. The point of Xbox Live is not to glorify Christ, though. That should be the point of the church," God said.

"I knew it! But what about the churches who are caught up in other things, political agendas, money, programs, etc. How can I support those things?" I asked.

"You can't. You shouldn't have to. But you have to admit that any institution that humankind has gotten hands on has been screwed up somehow. Why should the church be any different?" He asked.

"BUT IT'S THE CHURCH!!!! IT SHOULD REFLECT YOUR DESIRE FOR HUMANITY!!!! PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE IN CHARGE OF IT!!!! THEY POLLUTE STUFF AND MAKE IT ALL SHITTY!!!" I screamed.

"I know. And believe Me, it's been like that for a while. The world is far from perfect and it's only by grace that The Church does anything good at all. Yeah, people screw up a lot. But that's not where my desire is. And someday things will be better," He said.

"And if things are going to be better later, why should I try now? Church will always be church and why should I commit my life to a fallen institution?" I asked.

"Because it's better than what you have now. I didn't design this place so you could be alone. Yes, you and I have good times alone, but you can't just expect to grow closer to me only through that. You are a complex being (kinda like Me) and you need to have people around you who both help you grow closer to me and that you can love. I am the Trinity and though we don't need each other like you need people (it's because I'm wholly perfect in Myself), we are an example of community. And most people believe that I created humanity with the hopes that I could have community for eternity. Yes, I gave you all free will and that meant I might get rejected sometimes (and I have, but don't worry about Me, I'm wholly perfect and can stand rejection) but I really like all of you and want you all to know Me really well and Me to know you really well. And for the most part, that knowing Me comes in community," He said.

"But I already have work mates and school friends and family that I can see You in . . ." I countered.

"Yup. And I didn't say church had to happen on Sundays with people you didn't know. But it needs to be a little more intentional than a chance passing on a Thursday morning. Don't get me wrong, I'm in those moments, too. But I still want to see you with other people who love me in an intentional setting that focuses on furthering My message of love," He said.

"All right. I still have more to ask you but I'm sure it can wait. Maybe I'll see you sometime soon. Time to go back to class," I said.

"See you there! Or you won't!" He said. Then He giggled and walked away. I swear, sometimes His irony is too rich for my blood. But He is still is the best thing that ever happened to humankind, so what can you do?

Phoenix and everything after

The show in PHX was great. It was my friends' band Dear and the Headlights and they played in a Borders book store in Tempe. They are so much better than their setting and I'm really glad they got some exposure. There were about 150-200 people there. Pretty impressive to me.

Time for Halo 2. My wife loves me right now. As she should.

So long suckers

I'm going to AZ to see a concert this weekend. It had better be good.

Michael out.

My Bible is full of mistakes

So I'm in class right now, learning about the difference between inerrancy and infallibility, specifically as it relates to the Bible. It's an interesting conversation, because the words are not synonymous, and Christians get pretty hung up on the importance of those two things. Here's my thoughts on it mixed with Dr. Kenneth Waters:

Inerrant - without material error (scientific, historical, geographical, grammatical, etc)

Infallible - without cognitive error (theological, moral, soteriological, etc.)

Now, there are those who are certain the Bible is without any kind of error at all, and I have problem with this and here's why: THERE ARE MISTAKES IN THE BIBLE, i.e., Gospel accounts don't quite match, some verses contradict others (David tempted by God in II Samuel or David tempted by Satan in Chronicles), and blah, blah, blah. And within the idea of inerrancy, one must fight to maintain the perfection. You have a huge burden of responsibility because if only one mistake exists, your faith is shattered. You must use logical reasons (and some of them are quite valid) to explain the "errors" away.

On the other hand, if you accept that the Bible has mistakes, at what point can you believe it? At what point can you say, "Well, this part's wrong, but this one's right. Why? Because it just is!" It seems like such a slippery slope if you admit that there is even one mistake because then there might be others.

But what if there was a way to believe what the Bible had to say without believing the way it was said is perfect? If we don't get hung up on the perfection of the Bible, we can get hung up on more important concepts, like Christ. For catssake, Jesus said that HE would be a stumbling block, not God's Word. The concepts contained within the Bible (love, justice, hope) are far more important than tracing back the root of a "mistake" (is it translation error, or something else?) so that we can espouse a viewpoint.

If I begin a discussion with someone about the perfection of Shakespeare's work, say Romeo and Juliet, and say that each word in it is perfectly contained in a textbook I have and that each one of the phrases in that play tells me how to live my life and that all this person needs to do is read the play and memorize it and their life will be changed, what have I done? I've given the person I'm talking to serveral different roadblocks to life change. And if fault can be found in anyone of those concepts (perfection of the document, phrases changing life, memorization of document's truth, etc), their "faith" in Romeo and Juliet will fall apart. And it's not because the document is faulted; it's because the method is faulted. If I instead read Romeo and Juliet, am so moved by the story (the love and sacrifice and tragedy) that I start digging deeper and deeper into the characters and setting and try to appreciate the beauty of Old English and the use of literary devices and transforming depth of the story itself. After that, I try to live my life like Romeo and give everything I have to love. Certainly, living a life like that would give people a good idea what Romeo and Juliet is about and how it could change their life, too.

I don't want to take the analogy too far because I'm afraid it won't hold up (and I don't know how evangelism fits into it, but for that matter I don't know how evangelism fits into life) but the point remains: the transforming power of God is not limited by a document, Holy Scriptures or otherwise. The issue at stake is not whether the Bible is flawless; the issue is whether or not I believe God can use anything to bring people to Himself. And that's where my faith lies. I believe the Bible contains truth (and ultimately, The Truth) but I don't believe that "truth" means to me what it meant to the writers of the Bible. The Bible is a book written thousands of years ago with tens of human authors that contains the story of God interacting with the world over the course of 4000 years. And it's beautiful. And it's full of love and ultimately Love.

God is bigger than any document and the Truth will set people free despite our 20th century, American concepts of truth (ie, truth must be historically accurate and scientifically proven). He brings hope to the hopeless and love to the unloved and faith to those who believe. He redeems that which has no worth. And He will continue to do so despite what anyone thinks of His book.

Stay away from Myspace.com

Just a thought kids. I added my profile to the site and there are so many people on there that I just imagine that I know one of them. So I start looking and then it wastes my time.

We are such a narcissistic society. "I'm on the web! I'm famous!"

But seriously, I'm on the web. I'm pretty much famous now. Please pay attention to me. Please.

So very special

I don't care if it hurts.
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice when I am not around.

I was walking back from getting the mail tonight and heard these lyrics from Radiohead's Creep album. It reminded me a lot of a book I'm reading called Searching for God Knows What, by Donald Miller. His main theory is that since the fall, humans (as individuals) have looked for approval and confidence and worth from each other. This is what causes cliques and competition and sin in general. It seems true. We are all very very interested in our own preservation, even at the expense of everyone around us.

I like the lyrics because they contain what I am so often: only concerned with control and perfection at any cost, but also demanding that people miss me. It's so selfish and I can't believe that it took me this long to see just how selfish living can be. Miller posits that only life in a relationship with Christ can change that selfishness. If people look to God for their identity and worth, they will have no need to compete with each other, whether it's competeting with money or looks or job status or wit or anything. People could live in peace if it weren't for their ruinous nature.

If you ever get the chance to hear Honestly, by Zwan, do it. Billy Corgan's voice and lyrics are full of love and it is so powerful musically that it makes you think he's found hope. That's a powerful thing, hope.

Faith, hope, and love. Those three remain. Because what else would you need if you had those? Nothing. Faith, hope, and love. Those things cannot be taken away or wished into existence. Either they are real or they aren't. Either I have them or I don't. Faith that breeds hope which grows love. Love which hopes within faith. Hope that seeks love with faith.

I wonder if it's heretical to compare these to the Trinity. Could we say that the Father is faith, the Spirit is hope, and the Son is love? I guess they cannot be divided because they are one. But the point that all of them interact perfectly with one another is mind-boggling. And so it is with faith, hope, and love. How can you love perfectly without hope? How can you have faith without love? It seems lopsided if you only have one or two of the three.

Enough for now. More later if the pen is willing.

I got sunshine in a bag

Sitting before me right now is a medical book with the page opened to a section on colostomies. Very interesting. Apparently, a single-barrel colostomy is usually permanent, while double-barrel and loop colostomies are reversible. So if you are ever offered an option, take the loop. It will be well worth it.

I play a lot of Halo 2 online now. I think I'm developing a problem, though, so I'm only going to play it when I want to have fun, not just because I want to improve my online rating. Which isn't that good anyway, but I have a fairly competitive nature in video games and want to be the best. Which is why I cheat if I can. It doesn't violate morals if it's virtual.

If anyone asks, as of right now, our computer has no spyware on it. Tell the kids.

Danielle and I talked about abortion today. I still don't know how I feel about it. She asked me if I could work in an abortion clinic as a nurse. I said I didn't think so. It would be hard for me. Yes, I do object to it but at what level? Is it okay if the mother's life is at risk? If it is a rape victim? If it is before the first trimester is over? I object to humans being murdered; when is the fetus a human? At conception? It's just such a hot topic, which makes it harder to talk about rationally, and it was hard for us to find a relevant comparison so we just quit.

I'm getting better at listening. I'm getting better at letting questions be questions and discussion happening without giving my input. I think I'm the smartest person alive but that's not the way it is, and sometimes, people don't need an answer, they just need to ask the questions. It seems like I just assume that if I have all the answers to any imagined question then people will listen. And today's world just isn't like that. I have to be okay with the questions just existing and having opinions and views being dynamic. Even my own.

Lord help me see the truth as more than just an answer, but the question as well. May I value the pursuit of truth just as much as the answer, and trust in You to guide people where they belong. May I live and believe that all truth is God-breathed. Amen.

Guess who's back?

Well, I'm finally back from Mexico. For those who didn't know, I have spent the last few weeks in Mexico, doing what I do there. Which means I directed two different camps, one in Madero (about 450 people) and one in Cuernavaca (about 2000 people). Those numbers seem pretty impressive to me, but then I remember that this has been going on for a billion years and all I have to do is show up. And I guess there is some responsibility involved and I do take pride in that, but seriously, if it wasn't me, somebody could have done it.

The trip was a great chance for me to explore my leadership though, because I could explore different aspects without damaging too much. For example, I got some feedback first week that I was too passive, that I didn't make strong decisions and inform people about them. In my defense (which I am primarily interested in, it would seem), there were a lot of volunteers there who had been to the camp for so many years and I respected their opinion. Apparently, people are not always interested in being asked their opinion, sometimes they just want to be told what to do. And I think that there were people at the camp who were looking to me for a decision, not to get their input. So second week I made decisions a little more. And sometimes people agreed and sometimes they didn't. But I was the one making decisions and the repercussions always came back to me, which I think is what they were interested in.

And on the other hand, I always appreciate it when someone else makes a decision that might cost me political capital and they take the fall; why would I expect different from others I work with?

I might have mentioned that I didn't feel very spiritual in the weeks leading up to the trip. That was true. This trip definitely was a great few weeks of work and I did get filled emotionally and mentally, but spiritually, I think there was a gap for me. I confess, I didn't go to more than a couple chapels, I didn't worship with too much vigor, I didn't actively engage the Spirit of God in the traditional sense. I did get to develop community with some great people and that was rad, but most of that primarily fed my basic desire to be loved, I think.

Speaking of which, read "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller, the same guy who wrote "Blue Like Jazz." It's a little more intentional than "Jazz" and also relational, I think. On the other hand, it doesn't jump around as much and there was a certain attachment to that for a random thinker like me.

Also read Chuck Palahniuk books. He wrote "Fight Club" and there were some great ideas in there. He just has such a great sense of the culture around us as well as how we fit into the absurdity of it. And he's a quick read, which is nice.

I'm glad to be back. I missed my wife and Oregon Honey Beer. And my dog, too, I guess. The thing which is most disturbing about two weeks of absence is that somewhere in there normalcy gets replaced with the new habits and then has to be reset somewhere in the process. So I wake up at night with weird dreams about late chapels and poor decisions and the like. Weird. So if anyone asks about my subconcious, apparently I'm afraid of losing control, or poor leadership, or something like that.

Keep the faith. Remember that community is the most important thing we'll ever encounter as humans.

Notches in belts

Stephen and I were in Escondido after I spoke at the leader's retreat and decided to stop at the mall. I was walking through the mall on my way to Pacific Sunwear because I was looking for a hat and passed a NOTW store. I had seen the logo around APU somewhere and thought that there might be some OneTruth clothing in there or Ezekiel or Jedediah hats or something that would be cool for a non-skater like me to get away with wearing. I turned into the store, which was empty except for three employees. I walked in and the thirtysomething employee at the corner yelled to me, "Hey man, what's going on?"

"Nothing much," I said.

"Cool. I'm Chad the Jesus Guy. Have you ever been in our store before?"

"Nope."

"Well our store is called C28. It's a verse in the book of Colossians that says we are not of this world. Colossians is in the Bible."

"Oh."

"Well just have a look around and let us know if we can help you. We have music over there, shirts, stickers, anything you can think of. And we have a clearance section in the back that has some great deals." (All the while he was saying this, he was taking my eyes on a tour around the room with rapid pointing. The tour was short because the room was only about as big as a garage. It wasn't like it was a Super WalMart or anything.)

A girl behind the counter spoke up. "What kind of music do you like?"

"Uhh, alternative, I guess."

"Cool. Have you ever heard of a group called Kutless?"

"Uhh, no."

"Well come here!" She probably would have grabbed my hand if I hadn't immediately started following her. I looked longingly over at the hats as we went past them. She took me to the back of the store next to a rack of CDs and underneath a half orb in front of a display with buttons and a screen on it. She punched in some buttons and from the orb came some music that was, indeed, alternative sounding, if there is a genre such as alternative that exists anymore. Just lots of guitars, basically.

"Do you like them?" she asked.

"I guess." I was kind of lying but didn't feel bad about it.

"We have all kinds of music here. If you can think of a secular band, we have a Christian band that's just like it. Like Eminem. We have a guy who raps and is white." And then she looked at me, kinda like I was supposed to be amazed.

I looked amazed and said, "Oh."

"Yeah. My name is Veronica and if you need anything, let me know!" Then she walked back towards the counter. I walked back that way to, but turned left toward the hats and finding none, turned to leave the store. Because the third employee (who I hadn't met) was counting inventory and blocking my immediate escape, I headed back towards the counter where Chad was messing with something and Veronica was standing ominously.

"Did you need help with anything?" Veronica asked.

"No, I'm cool."

"Oh. Well, we have Jedediah clothes too," she offered.

"Oh, yeah?" Which was kind of a lie because I had seen them earlier.

"Did you know it was started by Christians? The word comes from the Old Testament. And so does Ezekiel. That was started by Jews. The Jews follow the teaching in the Old Testament in the Bible. Do you have a Bible?" she asked.

"Yeah, but I haven't read it in awhile." Which was true.

"Oh, that's too bad. You should try to read it every morning. Even just 10 minutes in the morning makes such a big difference."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Do you go to church?"

"I haven't in a while." Which was also true. But I was kinda setting a trap. I just wanted to see what would happen next.

"That's too bad. Where do you live?"

"In Los Angeles."

"Oh, there are lots of good churches up there."

"Yeah, I know. I just haven't found a place that I feel like I fit."

"Well, be careful because there are a lot of bad churches too."

"Oh? How are they different?" This I knew was setting a trap but I was just too far into it now. I don't deliberately try to mislead people, but this Christian forced it out of me."

"Well, there are lots of churches that teach that any way to heaven is fine, but it's not. But there are some good ones, like Calvary Chapel . . ."

"Oh yeah?"

"Um-hmm. There is only one way to heaven. Jesus said that he was the way, the truth, and the life. And without him, you would go to hell. The Bible tells us a lot of different things, like about hell. Hell is just such a bad place. It's like eternal burning, like actual burning of flesh for all eternity! The other day I was tanning and I was like, 'It is getting so hot in here!' and then I realized that hell would be even hotter than that for all eternity! It is such a bad place I don't know why anyone would want to go there!"

"Yeah, that sounds pretty bad," I said. It really did. I haven't been in a tanning booth but I have been sunburnt and it's just hell trying to move when you are all crispy. "But what about people who don't have the chance to hear about Jesus, like there in another country or something."

"Well, let me find a verse. You said you had a Bible right?" she asked.

"Yeah. I have one."

"Okay. Umm, I don't remember where it is, I think Romans. But those people, like, people always ask questions, like, 'What is our purpose here?' and if you ask those questions you'll be responsible. Like, retarded people and babies won't be because they don't ask those questions, but everyone else asks those things and is responsible for their answer. So are you a Christian?"

"Uhhh. I guess so."

"You guess so? So you don't really know?"

"Well, I was when I was a kid."

"Oh yeah? Well, would you be interested in maybe rededicating your life right now?"

"No. Not right now." I really was supposed to meet back up with my brother but I just couldn't tell her that.

"Okay." Then she moved from out behind the counter. I knew that meant something but still don't know what. She was flipping through the Bible she had in her hand.

"I knew when you came in, God told me that you had fallen away and needed to come back. I only became a Christian, like, just under a year ago and my life has gotten so much better. Not that Christianity is about happiness, but you have joy."

"Oh."

"A year ago, I was in abusive relationships and was very depressed and even had a gun held to my head." This depressed me and made me want to hold her and tell her I was very sorry to hear that. But she didn't stop talking and I didn't want to interrupt so nothing came of my pity. "If you read the Bible, it helps so much. I have to get up at 4:00 in the morning so I can read for an hour before I go to school and then work and this morning I could only read for ten minutes and I wish that I could have read more and I know that I'm supposed to but there are times when you are just so tired and you have to fight that because it is so good to read it. The Bible says the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. And that's how it is; we just have to fight our flesh. If we don't, hell is the option we have. And it is such a bad place. I almost cry for people who have to go there, not out of pity, but out of love. Because that's what Jesus gives us. Do you want to recommit?"

"Maybe."

"Well this isn't a maybe decision. This is very important and will change the rest of your life. There will be times when your spirit is willing but the flesh will be weak. Here, let me get this card . . ." She went back behind the counter, pulled out a card and came back to in front of the counter. "If you want to pray this prayer," she said, pointing at the card, "well, you don't have to pray it word for word but in your heart. If you want, you can come back here and we'll pray with you or you can call or whatever. If you have any questions, just let me know!" She grabbed a pen and asked my name.

"Michael," I said.

She wrote my name in the front of the Bible and put the card in it and handed it to me. "Now, this Bible is only the New Testament, but it still has a lot of good stuff in it. Thank you so much and we hope to see you soon!"

"Thanks. I'll talk to you later." Which was the first true lie of the day for me. Then I left.

I walked next door to PacSun, found a hat, bought it and left. None of the three employees in there said anything to me. It was a successful trip.

Real good time

Two Saturdays ago my brother and I went to a leader's retreat weekend where I was invited to speak. The students in my office were the ones who were hosting it, so it wasn't like it was the chance of a lifetime, but I was still honored that they asked me to speak at it. Especially after the last time I spoke. It just didn't go well. But they still asked me back.

I was nervous about it, mostly because I had spent a lot of time thinking about it and getting resources ready and just worrying about it. And I prayed for it too. I really wanted to be relevant. And by that, I mean I wanted God to use me. It's rare that that happens for me, but when it does, it's a real treat. Not in the generic sense of the word treat, like a treat for a dog. Like it's a real pleasure to be used like that .

Anyway, I spoke about the church's lackadaisical approach to perfection, saying we should settle for excellence instead. I don't think that's right. God says to be perfect as he is perfect. Which is impossible, so we rely on grace. But once we accept that we are not perfect, we can accept that others are not perfect either, which forces us to forgive. And then, community, which is by nature made of imperfect people, can be messy. It's designed that way.

It went really well. It was probably the best I have ever done. And I know God can use me even if I don't think it went well, but I got the praises of man this time, and that was what I needed. Oddly enough, I think God used this chance to not only be glorified for His purposes, He built up my ego a little and gave me confidence to continue speaking in public. Which is nice.

All that to say, God is God. I am not. I am eternally grateful that those things are true. And since God is God, life has meaning.

Oh yes indeed

And my brother is coming out next week. It might just be the highlight of February for me.

Life and nothing like it

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and to all the ships at sea. The following is free verse meaningness locked into traditional truth structures:

Twisted and falling created nature disturbs those sleeping after hours.
Nothing within everything can be found outside the context of hurt pride and bruised ego.
To seek knowledge, one must submit to the fairy tale of absolute emptiness and prepare to fill that which cannot be found to be lacking.
Without that, all is lost. All is lost. All is lost.
Not in an ethereal sense, which implies an impishness not commonly found among the shadows of everyday life, but in a bigger more turbulent way of saying things.
The bottom line can never be found unless someone admits that there was cause
to believe in something as silly as that.
I do not write enough; I cannot write enough.
Everything that is worth saying has been said
but the truth of art finds meaning in saying so much more
than any of this would imply.
Don't think a shattered lense doesn't hold meaning;
it is required to by the very thing that magnets us to earth.
A shattered lense holds meaning because it must.