When the truth is found to be lies...

There is a lot of stuff going on in my life. Well, not really. Everything is mundane and excitement is only misunderstood agression.

I was good and depressed last night before bed. I am reading new Eggers (What is the What) and I really do love his writing, but it seems to do a great job at pointing out the horrific, but it's always couched within normalcy. I really love that outlook. Palahniuk does a good job of that too. Anyway, all of that was running through my head as I thought about sleep. And I'm convinced that thinking about how sad you are is a wonderful way to feel terrible. Brave new assumption there, I know, but I am pretty sure it's true.

About God, you ask? Well, he's still there, I reckon. I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing. I know some of it isn't meant to be understood, but still....

The biggest stumbling block I have now are those self-checks I perform every few hours to see if I don't believe because I don't want to or if I don't believe because I'm non-committal or I don't know if I believe but am pretty sure I'm working on it. The sublime is in the search? Whatever. Sure, I'll commit to something when I believe it's true, (which is at least some kind of movement from my previous thoughts) I'm just not sure how that will look. Another thought I guess I have is this: How hard must one look for God in order to be counted for credit from Him in the "seeking" category? What a selfish SOB I am. I think that question tells me more about my faith than anything else. If that's the only reason I'm looking, than I certainly haven't found it yet or am even close.

That's all for now. More later if the pen is willing.