So hurt me, so hurt me, so hurt me...

So I'm moving to Arizona tomorrow, without my best friend, confidant, and lover. What a crappy situation this is. I can't help feeling like maybe if I play my cards straight and pay attention in class that I won't get this punishment. Am I sad? Yes. But it's very odd being sad for the future when it hasn't happened yet. Anticipatory sadness, what a lovely feeling brewing in my bones.

Speaking of bones, I'm watching a documentary on Bukowski. What an interesting gentleman. He makes me want to smoke and/or be an alcoholic. Neither of which I am. But he brings such a sensibility to self-destruction, as though it were the only way to pure truth. And maybe it is. I've never destructed, so who am I to say? Or have I? Who would know? Enough existentialism, let's get on to the movies!

I've joined Hollywood Video's super happy fun club or whatever that let's me get three movies at any time. So I've seen a lot of movies in the past few days. Highlight? Idiocracy, oddly enough. Lowlight? Miami Vice. Nothing happened in the whole movie! It was like the celluloid equivalent of a Nickelback CD. So I spit in it's general direction.

Speaking of nothing happening, I have noticed my train of thought derailing so, kiss my grits. I'm out.

I want a lover I don't have to love

Bright Eyes. Lest someone is concerned I'm actually shopping for lovers...

It has been an odd time. I have changed jobs and am now a high school English teacher, or, what I set out to be 8 years ago when I left high school. Maybe now I will walk the halls with pride.

The oddest part about having a significant event take place in my life is my propensity to dwell on it when I'm alone. It's not when I'm with others, only when I'm alone. Like falling asleep. Which I'm fairly certain is the most lonely part of the day. Sleep is starting to bewilder me, and dreams are even more bizarre. Does anyone else notice that we willingly submit to lose control of our conscious minds for 8 hours at a time? Every day? And we don't have an option in the matter? I'm just saying, I'm not getting any 666 tattoo until that whole thing is explained to me.

It has also occurred to me that this blog is on the internet for everyone to see. So I've taken the precaution to edit it appropriately. I apologize to those who were hoping for a direct feed into my brain (which I'm assuming from the number of people who read this will only be me, 5 years from now); it's too late. The feed has been interrupted; all you get now is the ABC, NBC, CBS bullshit (Bright Eyes again).

I went rafting a couple of weeks ago. I had never done that before. It was great. What made it great was the company (Stephen, Dad, and Adam) and the fact that I had to sign a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if I died. Hilarious! A piece of paper versus the end of life. And the paper wins! Anyway, the fear of death was enough to validate my manhood (or just the part of it that wants to stare death in the face and see itself in the reflection) and make me feel good. And now on to Arizona. So take that world.

Not much else. Packing to move. The accumulation of goods is mystifying and after someone explains sleep to me, maybe they can explain the tendency of humans to gain "things." I digress.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

http://www.travbuddy.com/widget_map_display.php?id=798545

And don't think I won't catch you, either.

Not a whole lot else is new. I scheduled to have an interview with the associate dean and the provost in a few weeks in regards to teaching FWS in the fall. That would be really cool and I'm stoked that it might happen.

I am pretty bored right now. Not sure what causes that, but I imagine that lack of intellectual stimulation is the main reason we don't speak Latin now. I just yawned. Now I'm even boring myself. I wish I could just leave my body and go swimming or something and then come back and rejoin myself in an hour or so. Speaking of which, I did finish Palahniuk's Rant recently. Great read. I want to see it in a movie but will probably have to wait at least until Choke comes out.

Go team.

Blame it on the Tetons

Things suck right now. I can't really go into details yet but it does involve losing a best friend. That sucks.

We did go to the Arcade Fire's Neon Bible concert last Wednesday. It was phenomenal. They started their concert with this video. It was great.

I love the sound of you walking away, you walking away

I now have my masters degree. What a thing. And my parents sent me a basket full of treats for my accomplishments. I feel sick right now, not from eating them, but from not eating them. The preceding statement was entirely false.

I'm at work, ready to go home and not sure if I should stick around or not. I got here early so I could leave early but 20 minutes early? Seems a little ambitious. Or not. Whatever. I'm out.

Is that me, baby, or just a brilliant disguise?

Tomorrow I present my thesis. And by present, I mean defend. Not sure what that means but I think it means that they will mercilessly attack my sources, ideas, and points of view. Or whatever. I guess I'm nervous enough about it to talk about it but I don't think it's a very big thing.

Tried to see the Arcade Fire performance on iTunes. Downloaded the February 24 SNL episode they were on but wouldn't you know it, their performance wasn't included. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me especially because it comes up in the search window in iTunes. Crap on everybody.

So I guess that's about it. We're going camping this weekend with Geoff and Kyle, and Casey and Tim. It should be a good time. I'm looking forward to sitting on the beach and just letting the sun cook my carcass. Well, enough for now. See you all later.

If you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it all the time?

I have finished my masters thesis and will be defending it next week. I'm not sure what the defense looks like, but I'm sure it'll be a rip-roaring time, full of heady things like, "So, did you read this book?" And I'll say, "Read it? I feel like I wrote it!" And then we'll all have a good chuckle and go out for beers. Or tea. Or whatever it is scholarly people do.

The DATH cancelled their shows out here last week. It was sad. We have gone to Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse, and in a few weeks we'll see The Arcade Fire. I wanted to see all these bands this year, I just didn't know it would happen in the month of May. Oh well. Yes mom, I'll wear earplugs. But only because I heard that's how marijuana smoke is inhaled.

Work is okay. I officially started a list of things I want to do before I leave and anytime I am distracted, I look at the list and refocus myself. So far, it works pretty good. Except for right now. But this doesn't count. This is my fifteen minute morning break. Speaking of mornings, I have been sleeping oddly lately. Tired all day, sleeping for 8-9 hours a night, and only really energetic for the 3 minutes after I shower but before I put on pants. What can be the cause of this nonsense?

Speaking of nonsense, I've gotten into watching movies lately. Here's the list for the month of May:
Borat
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Lucky Number Slevin
Logan's Run
The General
Casino Royale
Rocky Balboa
Rebel Without a Cause
Raging Bull

And a few more, I think, that I can't remember. I like the Scorsese. Uhh, that's about it for now. Some day soon I'll have "a single thought, the least bit legitimate enough."

Polly wants a cracker

I'm usually not too affected by current events, and I'm not even sure if I am now, but yesterday on NPR they were interviewing a kid who survived the shootings at VA Tech. He described how he instantly fell to the floor and hid behind a desk while the shooter shot people around him. Apparently the shooter reloaded three times and didn't shoot this kid. He doesn't know why.

Anyway, while the shooter was shooting, this kid and the girl next to him on the floor kept their eyes locked on each other "trying to stay human." He and this girl had never really talked and he didn't know her name (she would get shot in the back and apparently survive) but he still knew that he needed to stay human. I don't know what it means, but it resonates strongly with me. He didn't say stay alive, he said "stay human." As though that was what was at stake, not life or death. Very interesting.

Fire it up

I'm watching COPS right now. There is a white woman who looks like she has a beard and there are some other people barbecuing a giant steak and now a skinny white cop is yelling to beard lady, "Give me your ID! How hard is that to understand?" Good times.

Love me the COPS. Not sure how it all fits together, but Lord knows it's connected to the rest of us. Today I hung a picture of Hunter S Thompson on my office wall. I am wondering how long it's going to be before someone says something. Not sure that there are any people in there who know what he stood for. I don't know if I know what he stood for, but there is something about his persona that is engaging. A very compelling man, he is.

We moved into a smaller office yesterday. There is a wall between Wayne and I now. Literally, I mean. Figuratively is up for discussion.

Pretty sad still. Don't know why. The war? Doubt it, but it plays well with the liberals. Lack of prayer in schools? Doubtful, but it plays well with the conservatives. I wonder if some of my problem is that I believe that my life is a narrative, when in fact it very well could be the paper the narrative is written on. Let me try again: I feel that if I somehow pull myself out of space and time and observe with a scientist's/poet's/bohemian's eye it would make sense. But what if it didn't (or isn't supposed to)? What if from my imagined vantage point there was the same amount of confusion as from here and instead of an anthill (which, though chaotic, has purpose), it looked like an anthill on fire, with every ant and reason purposed for survival and that was it? And the ants didn't like the thought of dying for no purpose and created God and family and love? That would be a reason to be sad.

For a minute there, I lost myself.

Not much chance of survival if the neon Bible is right...

I just noticed I said I would have a master's degree in March in my previous post. That was a lie. I will have a master's degree in May.

I had an odd thought the other day and that was this: I want to write letters to the me from five years ago with bits of advice. Then I realized all this would be was me trying to sound smart and tell myself everything I know now but didn't then, and to what end would that be? So I can think about either how stupid I was then or how smart I am now or how nothing is going to change in the past? Silly. I'm not old enough to worry about the past. I'll leave that until I am sitting in a rocking chair and cussing at kids.

I leave for Mexico in just over a week. Bizarre, knowing that it will probably be my last trip to Mexicali. Right now, I can only see to the next day because anything past that seems like its too far in the future and I'll never get there. Fatalistic? Of course. Who can see anything else?

And the thought that in a few billion years every single molecule in the universe will have eventually moved so far away from each other that they literally stop moving and fall apart. Matter will cease to exist. That's enough of a reason to be a nihilist. And I haven't found a compelling reason not to be...

You're going to get what you deserve

It has been an interesting week/month/year. I don't feel like I know too much more than I did when I last posted but here are some my current thoughts.

-Blogging is hard.
-I don't know what to think about stuff.
-I think I'm going to get a job as a videogame tester. Not true, but I like doing that.
-I will have a master's degree in March.
-Arcade Fire is brilliant.

With the world at large why should I remain?

This is great. Check out the Beaver Trilogy if you want more back story. This American Life (NPR) did a story on the director Trent Harris and it's fascinating if you can find it. This is only part one; in future episode Sean Penn plays this character. In the final episode, Crispin Glover (Marty McFly's dad in Back to the Future) plays this character. Brilliant.

Even when the weather is cold, cold, cold...

When the truth is found to be lies...

There is a lot of stuff going on in my life. Well, not really. Everything is mundane and excitement is only misunderstood agression.

I was good and depressed last night before bed. I am reading new Eggers (What is the What) and I really do love his writing, but it seems to do a great job at pointing out the horrific, but it's always couched within normalcy. I really love that outlook. Palahniuk does a good job of that too. Anyway, all of that was running through my head as I thought about sleep. And I'm convinced that thinking about how sad you are is a wonderful way to feel terrible. Brave new assumption there, I know, but I am pretty sure it's true.

About God, you ask? Well, he's still there, I reckon. I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing. I know some of it isn't meant to be understood, but still....

The biggest stumbling block I have now are those self-checks I perform every few hours to see if I don't believe because I don't want to or if I don't believe because I'm non-committal or I don't know if I believe but am pretty sure I'm working on it. The sublime is in the search? Whatever. Sure, I'll commit to something when I believe it's true, (which is at least some kind of movement from my previous thoughts) I'm just not sure how that will look. Another thought I guess I have is this: How hard must one look for God in order to be counted for credit from Him in the "seeking" category? What a selfish SOB I am. I think that question tells me more about my faith than anything else. If that's the only reason I'm looking, than I certainly haven't found it yet or am even close.

That's all for now. More later if the pen is willing.

Sometimes when you close your eyes you can see the place you used to live

I'm fairly convinced that I just bombed a midterm. I wish I didn't think that way but I just do.

Stephen has my name for Xmas. What to get the guy who has everything? A better attitude? A more unique perspective on things? Is that on eBay? Too many question marks? Yes?

I'm heading back to the Mile High state in a week and a half. Go team. Why do I report this, you ask? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm a little nervous or something. Who can say what dangers lurk in the heart of man?

I'm selling a lot of stuff on eBay and making barely any money. I think at this point I've made, oh, about $70. Totally worth it. Only 20 hours of work for barely enough to pay for the gas that it took to buy the crap. Whatever. It's a good experiment.

Not much else.

Love,
Grandma and Grandpapa

Like brothers on a hotel bed

It's official. I'm back. Part of me wanted to wait until I turned thirty to post another blog (mostly to point out the irony in saying I was going to post everyday and then not doing it) and another part of me felt guilty for not posting everyday so I just avoided posting. But, like punching an elderly woman behind a counter in a small town, you just have to return and get back at it.

After spending the past few days in North Carolina, I can say this: Charlotte is for whiners.

I've had a lot more thoughts on faith, but I fear that using this medium as a means for describing them won't work. I'm just now at a place where I'm convinced I believe in something but if I try to enunciate it it will disappear, like staring at a faint star. You are sure it exists, but when you try to focus on it your eyes can't see it. Truth is that star for me. I see a glimmer of it but everywhere I look closes up over it when I burn my vision towards it. Enough metaphor.

Class is nice. I am learning a lot in it, but I also feel affirmed, like it's okay to have questions about existence and God and everything else. I'm like a boat floating in an ocean but nowhere to anchor...

I've gotten into eBay lately, mostly just buying shit and trying to resell it to people. This is probably the most focused (or organized) I've been with a project in a long time but all I have to show for it is about $50. Which is fine except that I've spent 20 hours working on it so my per hour pay is roughly the same as it is for upper management at the factory where your computer's guts were soldered. On the other hand, I have another job that feeds the beast so all is well.

Here are the websites I check daily: Gamespot.com (for all my nerd news), Straightdope.com (for all my nerd trivia), and Freakonomics.com (for all my nerd economics).

Sammy has a matte in his hair and on his portrait. Toby looks like a worn-out teddy bear. I miss Stephen. I'm like a guy who misses things...

I'm only happy when it rains

Thus begins the second straight day of writing. Note the time of entry to discern my commitment to this endeavor...

I went to the orthodontist today. The news he gave me was much more encouraging than the last orthodontist. This quote came in at $700 with a whitening included (with no braces, only retainers at night) versus the other guy, which came to $3300 and a year of braces. I'm not sure what this means. And where is Asian number 1 cutting corners? (See they're both Asians so I can say things like this. I have an Asian orthodontist.)

I sent a couple of emails today to people in charge of my masters program. We'll see what happens with that whole thing. I think I get to take a couple of more classes and something else. Oh yeah, the paper and the test.

Do I want to try to be an adjunct professor at APU? Short answer, probably. But if the requirements are as easy as they might be (and if I'm done after Sumner's class), maybe I should push to finish in December. Weird. That should give me some short-term motivation. Just what I needed...

I'm not sure how much more typing I can stand. A writer without a voice is a like a singer without a hand.

Clever? Not really. Hence my issues...

Peace to all.

But she breaks just like a little girl

I don't know what to do with my life. I really don't. And the movies or books or cliches of a wandering 20-something suddenly make sense. There is just this feeling of unrest and opportunity at the same time bubbling in side of me. Like I could do anything in the world if I wanted to but I have no idea what I want to do.

It's not like I'm lost. I know right where I am. I just don't know why. The reasons that I had for getting here have either changed entirely or have been forgotten and I wish that I could come up with a few better ones. But what really would change if I did? What if I knew exactly why I was doing what I'm doing now in the job in the neighborhood with the friends with the life "and blah, blah, blah" (to quote S and G)? Would my day to day life change? Or would just my outlook be a little different? Am I looking for peace? Lots of things could give me that, ranging from a few stiff drinks or a good nap or a fulfilled sense of purpose. I just don't think that inner peace is a good enough reason for me right now.

Maybe it's a God-sized hole in my heart. Which makes me wonder how He got out of there what with the security system its got on it. Well, if you see him, tell him to get back in there, we've been worried about him.

Also of note: Note to self: You are going to write every day (NO EXCEPTIONS) for the next year, and you can reward yourself by buying a 360 and Halo 3, because it might be out by the time you finish your goal.

Additional note to self: Remember to set overly ambitious goals that you will feel guilty for missing later.

It's getting easy

I'm traveling again. Right now I'm in Edmonton, AB and tomorrow I'm leaving for Minneapolis, MN. Zone meetings are a real kick in the head, I'll tell you.

The past few days have been interesting. I woke up the other day realizing that there is no such thing as knowing something. Everyone who says they "know" something is saying that they have a belief backed by experience, or reason, or history or whatever. For example, if someone says "I know that God exists," they are saying that from what they believe, with whatever information or experience they have had, that God exists. This could be through an emotional experience, a feeling, the logical connection of events, an illogical happening like a miracle, whatever. But to say for certain that God exists and try to define that is impossible.

I realize this sounds odd, but on the flip side, one cannot make any statements about knowledge without using faith. I say that I know the moon exists, but I am putting faith in scientists, the media, my ability to perceive and interpret knowledge, etc. I cannot say that I know the moon exists as an absolute truth because it is essentially unproveable as a stand-alone truth. It must be accompanied by other statements of faith. And that's just the moon, not even trying to prove a concept like love, or faith, or justice, or freedom.

It's so frustrating to have a thought like this and feel like I'm beginning to understand it a little better even though we talked about this concept in one of my classes. Lesslie Newbegin touches on this in one of his books and even though I read the book and understood it I guess I didn't internalize it. Is that the task of a reader to believe?

I like the Dutch. I've felt really at home in Abbotsford and here, and I'm beginning to wonder if I need to move to a Dutch community somewhere. They're good folk.

Bye for now.