How do I love Thee?

Today I had lunch with Ryan Daffron. He is the brother of a co-worker but also has become a friend of mine. I've been thinking about calling him lately because he just moved down here from Oregon.

We were just catching up with each other for awhile and he asked me about church. I told him I didn't go. He asked why not. I told him this: "We started not going to church right after we got married because Danielle's spirituality does not revolve around doing things that she doesn't want to do. Why should we go to church if we didn't want to. My spirituality was founded on going to church out of duty, not relationship. So we have this interesting dilemma: whose faith wins? It's a lot easier to not go than to go, so often we don't go. And now we have gotten into the habit of not going, which makes it easier and easier to not go."

His response: "This bothers me."

Then he proceeded to probe further into my spiritual background. There was a lot of discussion back and forth, but ultimately, I garnished several things.

1) If we love God, we should keep His commandments. And his commandments will not be grievous to us. If going to church is a burden to us, we shouldn't go to church. But it is probably more indicative to our state of loving God than we let on. Therefore, the real question is, do I love God?
2) Spiritually thinking, I have let fear control my relationship with my wife. I have not taken an active role in leading our family spiritually. I actually had an actual problem with this (Why should my wife have to listen to me spiritually? Why wouldn't her spiritual role be as leader?) until Ryan said, "That's why the church is the bride of Christ. We need leading." And I then remembered something Danielle had told me once before. She reminded me that she was first attracted to me as a leader while we were in Mexico.
3) I need to seek God. I had tried to convince myself that maybe the Church needed me, whether it was for leadership, or guidance, or money, or whatever. Ryan said, "The Church doesn't need you though. Do you hear yourself? All of your words imply that there are people who need you and ultimately, they don't. People don't define your strengths or self-worth or anything. God does."

The whole thing was a real good ass-kicking, and it has given me new thought about it all. I want to find God. I want to love Him. And despite my attempts to beat myself up over it, God still has grace, and is still very very interested in what I am doing.

Ryan also reminded me that Satan has a great desire to see me fail. And he said that it is very hard to work at APU and remain spiritually filled because it is such a spiritual place. And even though I'm not sure what I exactly believe about Satan, I can admit that where I am now in life is a turning point. I think I see a much greater importance now in finding God and only Him. And what makes me think that Satan does want me to fail is the voice I can hear right now that is telling me that trying to force knowledge of God and love of God is futile.

God, please please please give me the desire to know you more. Forgive me when I fail: I am depraved without You. Give me grace as only You can. Search me and find me and make me whole. Revive a desire to only seek Your face and Your approval and Your knowledge.