I was wrong, I thought I was right

It's just another day in paradise. Last week we went to PHX on Friday and turned around on Sunday and drove back. It was a short trip, but I feel like I rested a lot. That was nice.

I feel empty. I hate when I go through days just waiting for life to happen to me. It's on those days that I'm not even looking for truth or beauty or love; I'm just floating. There is something to be said for floating, I guess, but what if life was something that consumed me? What if everyday was a chance to find God rather than trying to let Him find me? I swear spirituality is not something that happens to us it's something that we create. Maybe, I just don't protect myself enough and allow life to be rich in mystery and instead allow the mediocre to be my norm.

It's all gibberish, I know. But that's inside my head and it's times like these that make me want to say, "If I could just take a pill and make this all normal, I would." Except that pill doesn't exist and the search for it leads to death.

If I were to die today, would I go to heaven? I have faith to say yes, but what evidences besides faith? I swear this emptiness is weird, because in a logical sense, how does emptiness consume anything? How does nothing overwhelm the something? And yet that's what it feels like.

Part of me wants to logic it all out and part of me wants to wallow in it. Which side is better? Which side leads to truth? There is truth in loneliness and there is truth in life. However, the embracing of emptiness seems, well, a little empty.

It's all gibberish, I know. Someday, I'll look back on it and say, "that meant that and it all makes sense." I just get pissed off that most of my life feels like that. Most of my life feels like I will look back on it someday and understand and right now there's no meaning.

God, help me enjoy the mystery. Help me look past the past and long for the present reality and the future hope. Please please please may I live a life that reflects You. Amen.