The test begins . . . . now

I'm leaving to CO on Wednesday. That being said, I'm not ready for it. And I've been having a lot of odd thoughts lately. I consider myself a follower of Christ, but I don't seem to live that way. Or at least I don't seem to live the way I think that means. And I have a lot of doubts (mostly relating to either skepticism or relativism) and I just don't know what a relationship with Jesus Christ means. He is a man yet God; living yet He died; and all this other stuff. I have a hard time maintaining relationships with human I see every day and can interact with.

And I want so badly to know Him like that. I can't even imagine what that would be like. To know Him like a real person? To be able to describe Him like he was a best friend? To know how He would answer a question or what would make him laugh? To say, "I wish Jesus were here. He'd love this." And I know he doesn't work like that, it's just I feel like I have such a limited knowledge of Him. It's like I have talked with a lot of people who love him but never so much that they'd leave everything to find Him (though I think some of them have settled that debate in their mind) and I've seen Him around in a few places but it seems silly to only go to those places to find him. He's everywhere.

So it must be me that is missing Him, not the other way around. Which is a great thing for someone with a low self-esteem. Good times. And I want to DO something to make myself notice Him but that seems ridiculous too. I don't know what to do or where to be or what should change. Have I drowned out the voice of God with my life? Yech, I don't like the taste of that one. Yikes.

Becky's getting married. Go Becky.

Peace in the east. Seacrest out.