This is the new me

My friends just recorded a great song. It makes me laugh. And cry. Kind of like Blackhawk Down, except without the tribal warfare.

Danielle and I were talking the other night and this thought came to mind: Our role in life is to work with God to repair the enormous tear that ruptured in the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure how theologically sound this is, because I think that our role in life cannot be entirely summed up in "doing" something but could be summed up in oneness with God, but I appreciate the grandeur of the thought that there is some quest we are pursuing in an eternal sense. Who knows if it's entirely true, but I think it informally captures a part of what we are to do in this life, namely to recapture the "goodness" of first creation.

I am a prideful person. I mean, really, really rottenly prideful. And what's funny is that feeling too much shame about it (or pride in it!) feeds the me that places itself better than others. Shame and pride are inextricable linked and I don't know that I've ever known that as much as I do now. It is a big mistake to confuse shame with humility and I think I've spent a lot of time feeling shameful instead of seeking humility. For example, if someone were to find out that I were a habitual liar, I would feel shame, because in my culture it is not acceptable to be a liar. But instead of telling people about this deviancy, I would keep it a secret because I wouldn't want people to think less of me. When I do get found out, all I feel is shame. But in my case, I don't think I ever moved from shame to humility.

I guess a main difference between shame and pride is that shame is cultural, while pride seems to be inherent. I should have capitalized on a cultural marker (shame) to identify the root cause of my problem (self-interest, pride, etc.) and replace it with a characteristic which brings life (namely, humility). I know that a lot of this sounds ethereal or something, but I've been thinking about it and have felt more convicted about shame and seen that I operate out of shame because I am prideful. Sigh. And I want to be whole instead.

I think I should start going to counseling for this. It's a serious issue. And someday it would be nice to say I'm a recovering selfish.

The whole dying to self thing is much more significant to me when I realize that self-preservation is the very reason I live. I can't say, honestly, that I live for others, oh no, I'm much more interested in living for me. My schedule, my time, my appetite, my life, etc. It is SO ingrained in me that it makes me want to throw up. I think that's why the whole faith thing is much larger than me. It goes against everything I do. It must be true; it's impossible.

That much and more, going on in my head. Peace.