Sunday bloody sunday

Sunday's always bring guilt to me. I always feel like I should be going to church, even if I don't get anything out of it. And then I feel guilty for not looking for a church to go to, and then I feel guilty because I feel like I should lie to someone if they ask me what I did this weekend. "Well, we went to church, heard a great message, had good worship" and blah, blah, blah. I always feel some sort of duty to attend church and I have a hard time reconciling not going to church with being a good Christian.

That being said, we haven't gone to church in at least six months. I have a hard time believing that Jesus died so that I could sit in a chair, pew, or bench once a week. I also acknowledge that outside of a faith community it is hard to nurture a faith. But what if I just don't want to go because I'm sick of what I've seen in churches. I don't get a lot of out them except a sense of accomplishment in attending.

I want to belong to a community that clearly articulates practically how to live faith. Not just tells me to read more or attend more or pray more, but tells me that because poverty is overtaking our slums we desperately need to change something. I want to be a part of a dialogue that encompasses my whole life as a whole person and doesn't just sate my need to appease God.

I don't have a problem with liturgy. I don't have a problem with worship. I have a problem with habits. Not the things nuns wear, but in reading a part of the Bible every morning because it's just what you've done for God knows how long. Or in giving $30 to a local charity each Christmas. Or in praying for forgiveness like it's just something you should ask for, like a "nice day." I want to yearn to hear God speaking through his people. I want to look out my window in my car and see His truth in the eyes of a homeless man and in a flower and in a mom holding her kids' hands. I want to be consumed by Him. And that hasn't happened in a pew. Or a chair. Or a bench.

I know I can't count on church for a fix of God each week. I don't want to reduce my faith to something that gives me an emotional high. But I do want to grow. I do want to feel God, and maybe not in a physiological sense, but at least in a spiritual sense.

Am I doing my part? Probably not. I could be doing so much more to grow spiritually. But isn't that the problem in the first place? "If I could just go to church more and worship harder and pray with more faith, then God would do something . . ." That's messed up. It's so pompous to assume that an almighty deity would need me to act in a specific manner repeatedly in order to love me better.

He does love me. A lot. And I do need to recognize that. I just don't want my religion to get in the way.