All things change

It's official. Summer is over. Within the next week I have to do a ton of stuff at work and then go to Mexico for our August trip. We'll see.

I'm starting to think seriously about teaching. But I really want to be pulled into it. I don't know what that means though, so maybe I already am. Someday later I'll do a bar graph with pros and cons and stuff.

Church was good today. I talked with Gordon Coulter earlier in the week and it was a great discussion. We talked about school, life, and marriage. He said that we (Danielle and I) needed to make sure we spend deliberate time with one another to recharge. He also asked me about church. I told him what I thought and why we weren't going. I said that I had gone to the old people service at Grace Church of Glendora and felt God. He said (paraphrase) that the current church movements need to make sure that all generations are being ministered to, and that the "gray hairs" have a lot of wisdom and council to offer the twenty and thirtysomethings that don't like traditional church. He said other stuff, too, but that stuck out this Sunday.

I went to the old person service again and I liked it. It's funny. We sang three or four hymns (not all were hymns, but they were all from the hymnal), heard a little girl sing a song, listened to the pastor speak, and then left. All in an hour.

I don't know what our future is with the church, but Gordon encouraged me to find a place where we can minister to others and be ministered to, whatever that looks like for us. He said we are already being stimulated intellectually (yup) but still need other things. Touche.

All that to say, a busy week awaits and I hope I survive. Peace.

Get that dirt off your shoulder

I just stumbled upon an article that enunciates a response to critics of emergent and postmodern movements within the church. It's interesting because I don't know how much of the movement I can cling to, only that this movement seems to have tremendous potential in transforming the church and the world.

My faith is this: I have doubts about my faith because, at times, it seems silly. I believe God is God and I am not. I believe the world would be different if we acted like Christ. I believe God is bigger than dogma. I believe the love He talks about with me.

http://emergent-us.typepad.com/emergentus/2005/06/official_respon.html

Peace to all.

You don't know what it's like to love somebody

It is July 14. That's a lot.

Danielle and I went to the Billy Corgan show last night. It was rad. There was an opener for him called Doris Henson and they had a pretty good set. Their lead singer looked like Justin Anderson. But Billy's show was incredible. I really don't think his new album is all that great, but there was so much energy he had and he had a great stage presence. As soon as the Pumpkins get back together (http://www.zwanmusic.org/newsarchive/381.html) Danielle and I will go to that show too.

By the way, I have Coldplay tickets for their shows in August in Irvine. If interested, please email me. I think we might end up going to one of them but who knows.

I had lunch today with Mike Devries. He's a great guy and a good thinker. He's spent a lot of time being kicked in the nuts by the church but I have a feeling that by now he's getting used to it. And if not, it seems his skin will thicken soon. I truly don't think he's saying anything heretical, but no one likes to change.

I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be. I like the idea of teaching (high school) but that means more schooling and more time. And I like the masters I'm pursuing now, but I'm not sure what to do with it.

And I feel fed up with work. Several decisions (and decision makers) have been difficult lately there and the struggles that exist in any organization are starting to bother me. Last night Danielle and I were talking and I decided that I'll leave MO in spring after she passes her licensure. But who knows if that will happen. I'm not sure if I just need to know the end is in sight or if I truly intend to leave.

God is in my life, but to what degree, I don't know. May I decrease and may He increase. That is my faith now. That is all the faith I own.

I believe you but my tommy gun don't

I'm back from a long Mexico trip. And I'm leaving right now another Mexico trip.

My ministry is my job. My job is my ministry. And within a job, sometimes you do things that you wouldn't do if you weren't getting paid for it. My job is my job. And sometimes I do things that I don't want to do even though I'm getting paid for it. Is that indentured ministry?

Peace to all. Wisdom to those who need it.

Dance hall dance hall dance all night

I've watched a few movies in the past few days, and here is my very educated opinion on them:

1) Closer - starring Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia Roberts, and some English dude: Boring and uninvolving.

2) Supersize Me - starring Morgan Spurlock: OK premise, boring.

3) Sideways - Starring Paul Giamatti and Thomas Hayden Church: Boring and pretentious.

In conclusion, I have missed nothing by avoiding movies from 2004. Thank you.

And I could use a vacation myself

Speaking of which, we are back from CO. Becky is married now and I talked with her on the phone this morning about her gifts that she was still trying to get back to CA. I wanted to talk to her for a while about that but thought it would be selfish. I mean, even though I wanted to talk to her didn't mean she wanted to talk to me. So I politely answered her questions and then hung up. I hope she has fun on her honeymoon.

Work is slow. I have about 30 projects that are on-going that I can't seem to move too far ahead with. Errrg. Maybe tomorrow I'll start out the day with a swift kick to the nuts. Yum.

Stephen and Jessica are still broken up. I think. They were this weekend and I know it was hard for them. I hope they do what's right.

Me? Oh I'm fine. I finished my class tonight and just have a paper to finish by Friday. If you have any thoughts on Matthew 6:25-34, just let me know. And I'll ignore them because that's not part of the assignment. Sorry.

Peace.

The test begins . . . . now

I'm leaving to CO on Wednesday. That being said, I'm not ready for it. And I've been having a lot of odd thoughts lately. I consider myself a follower of Christ, but I don't seem to live that way. Or at least I don't seem to live the way I think that means. And I have a lot of doubts (mostly relating to either skepticism or relativism) and I just don't know what a relationship with Jesus Christ means. He is a man yet God; living yet He died; and all this other stuff. I have a hard time maintaining relationships with human I see every day and can interact with.

And I want so badly to know Him like that. I can't even imagine what that would be like. To know Him like a real person? To be able to describe Him like he was a best friend? To know how He would answer a question or what would make him laugh? To say, "I wish Jesus were here. He'd love this." And I know he doesn't work like that, it's just I feel like I have such a limited knowledge of Him. It's like I have talked with a lot of people who love him but never so much that they'd leave everything to find Him (though I think some of them have settled that debate in their mind) and I've seen Him around in a few places but it seems silly to only go to those places to find him. He's everywhere.

So it must be me that is missing Him, not the other way around. Which is a great thing for someone with a low self-esteem. Good times. And I want to DO something to make myself notice Him but that seems ridiculous too. I don't know what to do or where to be or what should change. Have I drowned out the voice of God with my life? Yech, I don't like the taste of that one. Yikes.

Becky's getting married. Go Becky.

Peace in the east. Seacrest out.

Welcome to paradise

So the wife and I are looking at buying a house. There are SO many factors to look at, from location to market to where we are now. It's just a real kick in the head. So that's eating up my time like a hostage at a buffet. The other night I think I woke up five or six times and looked at the clock in a panic. I'm not sure how that relates to house purchasing (or what I thought I could solve before 4 in the morning), but it was after we initially talked about it so I'm blaming that.

Not a lot else is new. I'm trying to figure out what to write my paper on for my class, and you'd think I could find something in the Bible worth thinking about. It just feels distant. Who knows?

Death to smoochy.

I got a stolen wife and a rhinestone life

I'm listening to Beck's "Odelay" album. If you have a chance, listen to the commentary about empty life on the song Sissyneck. I want to make a video about it. And I'm still listening to the Flaming Lips "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots." The first song on the album, Fight Test, is so beautiful as it builds in intesity and describes the narrator's attempt at pacifism. It starts out with a distorted voice saying, "The test begins now," as though he felt was being tested on his beliefs and failed.

In other news, I think I'm going to be a teacher. After having today off (Memorial Day), I thought, "I really enjoy having time off. Teacher's have time off. I want to be a teacher." Yesterday at a graduation party I was watching a slideshow about cross-country and thought, "It would be fun to coach cross-country." So that makes it two thoughts in two days about a career. That's a lot for me. I guess those aren't the best reasons to begin teaching, but I think that those perks could win me over quickly.

CO was fun. It was short but seeing the family again was cool. It's hard because I know that I'll see them again in a couple weeks, so there wasn't the desire to spend a lot of time together because I always assumed that next time we'll get to hang out more. It was funny like that.

And I learned that my dad and brother talked about my topic of sex on this blog. Which is funny because I mentioned it once in passing. And I've said more about God on this blog than anything else. I hope that they talk about faith, too.

That's all. Time for class. I'm out.

I was wrong, I thought I was right

It's just another day in paradise. Last week we went to PHX on Friday and turned around on Sunday and drove back. It was a short trip, but I feel like I rested a lot. That was nice.

I feel empty. I hate when I go through days just waiting for life to happen to me. It's on those days that I'm not even looking for truth or beauty or love; I'm just floating. There is something to be said for floating, I guess, but what if life was something that consumed me? What if everyday was a chance to find God rather than trying to let Him find me? I swear spirituality is not something that happens to us it's something that we create. Maybe, I just don't protect myself enough and allow life to be rich in mystery and instead allow the mediocre to be my norm.

It's all gibberish, I know. But that's inside my head and it's times like these that make me want to say, "If I could just take a pill and make this all normal, I would." Except that pill doesn't exist and the search for it leads to death.

If I were to die today, would I go to heaven? I have faith to say yes, but what evidences besides faith? I swear this emptiness is weird, because in a logical sense, how does emptiness consume anything? How does nothing overwhelm the something? And yet that's what it feels like.

Part of me wants to logic it all out and part of me wants to wallow in it. Which side is better? Which side leads to truth? There is truth in loneliness and there is truth in life. However, the embracing of emptiness seems, well, a little empty.

It's all gibberish, I know. Someday, I'll look back on it and say, "that meant that and it all makes sense." I just get pissed off that most of my life feels like that. Most of my life feels like I will look back on it someday and understand and right now there's no meaning.

God, help me enjoy the mystery. Help me look past the past and long for the present reality and the future hope. Please please please may I live a life that reflects You. Amen.

How long will we sing this song?

My stomach hurts. I'm lactose intolerant and I think it was the carmel frappucino I had that is kicking me in the bile right now. Woof.

That is all.

Knocking on heaven's door

In case no one has noticed, I'm trying to write titles taken from songs. It's actually kind of hard to think of them, which is odd considering I have songs stuck in my head all day long. The point is, I wish I could have come up with a better title than knocking on heaven's door, a lame song from the 80s.

I'm in class right now, which is boring. I wish that I could pull more out of it but I think I'm very distracted by the notion of the entire internet just a few clicks away. Becuase I love information so much, it is such a temptation that it's not even funny. And apparently I always cave.

I went to church yesterday. I showed up at 9:30 for a service that apparently started at 9:00. Oops. And I went to the traditional service which was just that, full of traditional people. And by traditional, I mean old. It was interesting though, because on the way, I thought to myself, "I'm going to look for God today" instead of looking for things that I liked and didn't like. Which was interesting for me, especially as a consumer. I can't even really think of a comparison. I guess it's kind of like walking into a store with the expressed intent to find things for sale but not needing to buy. That metaphor really doesn't work, though, because I do need God.

Instead of looking for Him based on preferences, I just went looking to see where He would show up. It was a very freeing experience. And for a bit, I could imagine myself sitting with these old people each week and trying to find God together. It was nice.

So I'll probably go next week to the contemporary service but with the same attitude. I'm not going to find a perfect church, but if I look for Him, I can find a perfect God.

Can't buy me love

Well you could. If you had the money.


It's been awhile since I last posted. Not a lot has changed since then. I am digging the Flaming Lips, though. And my dad came and went. He was out here for graduation. Becky's, not mine. Fragmented sentences are neat.

Time to get back to work. I'm still trying to figure out how to love God. Tell the kids.

Relevant and the like

In this month's relevant magazine there is an article about Moby. He says some very interesting things about Christianity that make me like him more. He seems to have an incredible grasp of the Bible and understands the principles of Christ very well. He's my new favorite DJ.

I'm still working my way through Searching for God Knows What. I've come to a part that describes Christianity as being outside formulas and states that we have reduced it to a bunch of trivia. Miller says that we seem to give preference to those who have an uncanny ability to memorize. I think that's funny.

But he also says that we shouldn't be doing this. We can't even describe the relationship between a man and a woman; but we have a formula for becoming a Christian. (Believe these things, say this prayer, follow this code, etc.) He says we should allow the mystery of it all to define as well. The closest the Bible comes to it is a bunch of metaphors (Bridegroom of Christ, lost sheep, etc.) and that should be good enough for us.

I hope that it is. I pray that I do learn how to enjoy that mystery. And especially since Ryan and I talked yesterday, I've tried to imagine some steps I can follow to love God, or I've tried to imagine some things I can change. Maybe I'm going about it the wrong way. Maybe I should be trying to appreciate the mystery of it and dwelling on that more. How do I love my wife? It's not a simple answer. How much more complex should my answer be to how I love God?

How do I love Thee?

Today I had lunch with Ryan Daffron. He is the brother of a co-worker but also has become a friend of mine. I've been thinking about calling him lately because he just moved down here from Oregon.

We were just catching up with each other for awhile and he asked me about church. I told him I didn't go. He asked why not. I told him this: "We started not going to church right after we got married because Danielle's spirituality does not revolve around doing things that she doesn't want to do. Why should we go to church if we didn't want to. My spirituality was founded on going to church out of duty, not relationship. So we have this interesting dilemma: whose faith wins? It's a lot easier to not go than to go, so often we don't go. And now we have gotten into the habit of not going, which makes it easier and easier to not go."

His response: "This bothers me."

Then he proceeded to probe further into my spiritual background. There was a lot of discussion back and forth, but ultimately, I garnished several things.

1) If we love God, we should keep His commandments. And his commandments will not be grievous to us. If going to church is a burden to us, we shouldn't go to church. But it is probably more indicative to our state of loving God than we let on. Therefore, the real question is, do I love God?
2) Spiritually thinking, I have let fear control my relationship with my wife. I have not taken an active role in leading our family spiritually. I actually had an actual problem with this (Why should my wife have to listen to me spiritually? Why wouldn't her spiritual role be as leader?) until Ryan said, "That's why the church is the bride of Christ. We need leading." And I then remembered something Danielle had told me once before. She reminded me that she was first attracted to me as a leader while we were in Mexico.
3) I need to seek God. I had tried to convince myself that maybe the Church needed me, whether it was for leadership, or guidance, or money, or whatever. Ryan said, "The Church doesn't need you though. Do you hear yourself? All of your words imply that there are people who need you and ultimately, they don't. People don't define your strengths or self-worth or anything. God does."

The whole thing was a real good ass-kicking, and it has given me new thought about it all. I want to find God. I want to love Him. And despite my attempts to beat myself up over it, God still has grace, and is still very very interested in what I am doing.

Ryan also reminded me that Satan has a great desire to see me fail. And he said that it is very hard to work at APU and remain spiritually filled because it is such a spiritual place. And even though I'm not sure what I exactly believe about Satan, I can admit that where I am now in life is a turning point. I think I see a much greater importance now in finding God and only Him. And what makes me think that Satan does want me to fail is the voice I can hear right now that is telling me that trying to force knowledge of God and love of God is futile.

God, please please please give me the desire to know you more. Forgive me when I fail: I am depraved without You. Give me grace as only You can. Search me and find me and make me whole. Revive a desire to only seek Your face and Your approval and Your knowledge.

I don't wanna be

There are some times when I just look at the world around me, mostly just the alley off Vista Bonita in Glendora, and think that life is going well. I love the way the sunset feels, you know? The sun has just barely set and the air is cooling down and the only way to feel anything is just to take off your clothes and stand there, staring at the sky. I have to look through the power lines and phone lines and junk, but the air just feels like the Earth is happy to have us all here. When it's raining, the Earth seems like it's trying to wash us all down the drain or something.

Tuesday evening was one of those perfect evenings. My wife and I had just finished talking. I grabbed a water, and stepped out our front door and onto our tiny little lawn and just knew that life was worth living. It just was. Everything made sense and there was a tiny moment of lucidity when the human experience was beautiful, flaws and all.

Other days aren't like that. Today it was raining and just felt crappy. Rain just seems like such a waste to me. You can't see anything, you can't go out and love it, in fact when it's raining, everyone and everything tries to stay dry. Animals hide, humans try to cover their heads and run towards shelter, even the sun doesn't try to shine. What's the first thing you need if you are on a desert island? Water. Second thing? Shelter. There's a reason you need a shelter: to keep the water off you. You've never of people drowning during a drought, nope, only in flash floods and rivers and oceans and lakes. I'm just saying: water belongs inside the human body, not falling from the sky and trying to wash us away. The ocean is cool, but only when I know I can get out of it, not when I'm caught in an undertow or something.

There really isn't anything else in my life right now. I'm conflicted because life seems so sunny and stuff but I never know when the rain will come. And I guess someone could tell me that there are seasons for everything, but I still hate the rain.

And I hate when I try to sound philosophical. I don't have the brains to be a philosopher, and I don't have the skills to be an artist. So I'm caught in this netherworld where the mediocre reside. Which is fine, but I just think I'm better than mediocre. Not great or brilliant or anything, just upper-middle normal. We'll all float on all right.

Get up and die if you wanna

Today was a rough day at work. Not a lot of work was actually done, due mostly in part to my lack of concern for work getting done. I didn't get too excited about anything and, as a result, didn't do a whole lot of anything.

Apathy is dumb. But it works. At least when you don't want to get anything done.

In other news, we didn't go to church yesterday. Which isn't that much of a surprise to me, but maybe it's news for someone.

"I missed you the other day," God said.

"Really? I didn't think you noticed!" I said.

"Of course I did. I saved you a seat near the back so you couuld leave early and not talk to anyone," He said.

"I really appreciate that. You're okay, God." I said.

"Of course I am," He said.

"Can I ask you something? It might be a little elemental, but I'm confused about it, still," I said.

"Go ahead," He said.

"Why should I go to church? I know that it's where the Body of Christ lives and that we have to surround ourselves with 'believers' and that a coal away from a fire burns out, but it seems like those are weird reasons to go hear someone else's idea about You and sing songs. You know what I mean?" I asked.

"Yup. Sure do. I actually don't prefer those kind of churches Myself," He said.

"You don't?" I asked. (I didn't believe Him at this point, because I'm pretty sure that He's a lot more ironic than I give Him credit for.)

"Nope. I prefer churches that worship Me and remember Me and have fun together and live life together and share their thoughts together and grow closer to Me together. People have really tried to turn it into a formula, you know, one song intro, pastor greeting, three songs, pastor talk, one song close while offering is passed around, and blah, blah, blah. True spirituality is a lot more than a building and some songs. It can be found in those places but it doesn't end there. True spirituality and relationship is built through people. Real life people."

"So what you're saying is: I can go hang out with people instead of going to a building on Sunday mornings," I said.

"No, I'm saying that Christianity functions best through people. People who desire nothing more than to love each other and Me," He said. "And besides, it's not like you're doing that anyway. You sit on your butt on Sunday mornings and watch TV and do chores. All of which are fine. But where's your community?"

"Uhhh, Xbox Live? I mean, at any given moment there are thousands of people playing at any moment," I said.

"Riiight. The point of Xbox Live is not to glorify Christ, though. That should be the point of the church," God said.

"I knew it! But what about the churches who are caught up in other things, political agendas, money, programs, etc. How can I support those things?" I asked.

"You can't. You shouldn't have to. But you have to admit that any institution that humankind has gotten hands on has been screwed up somehow. Why should the church be any different?" He asked.

"BUT IT'S THE CHURCH!!!! IT SHOULD REFLECT YOUR DESIRE FOR HUMANITY!!!! PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE IN CHARGE OF IT!!!! THEY POLLUTE STUFF AND MAKE IT ALL SHITTY!!!" I screamed.

"I know. And believe Me, it's been like that for a while. The world is far from perfect and it's only by grace that The Church does anything good at all. Yeah, people screw up a lot. But that's not where my desire is. And someday things will be better," He said.

"And if things are going to be better later, why should I try now? Church will always be church and why should I commit my life to a fallen institution?" I asked.

"Because it's better than what you have now. I didn't design this place so you could be alone. Yes, you and I have good times alone, but you can't just expect to grow closer to me only through that. You are a complex being (kinda like Me) and you need to have people around you who both help you grow closer to me and that you can love. I am the Trinity and though we don't need each other like you need people (it's because I'm wholly perfect in Myself), we are an example of community. And most people believe that I created humanity with the hopes that I could have community for eternity. Yes, I gave you all free will and that meant I might get rejected sometimes (and I have, but don't worry about Me, I'm wholly perfect and can stand rejection) but I really like all of you and want you all to know Me really well and Me to know you really well. And for the most part, that knowing Me comes in community," He said.

"But I already have work mates and school friends and family that I can see You in . . ." I countered.

"Yup. And I didn't say church had to happen on Sundays with people you didn't know. But it needs to be a little more intentional than a chance passing on a Thursday morning. Don't get me wrong, I'm in those moments, too. But I still want to see you with other people who love me in an intentional setting that focuses on furthering My message of love," He said.

"All right. I still have more to ask you but I'm sure it can wait. Maybe I'll see you sometime soon. Time to go back to class," I said.

"See you there! Or you won't!" He said. Then He giggled and walked away. I swear, sometimes His irony is too rich for my blood. But He is still is the best thing that ever happened to humankind, so what can you do?

Phoenix and everything after

The show in PHX was great. It was my friends' band Dear and the Headlights and they played in a Borders book store in Tempe. They are so much better than their setting and I'm really glad they got some exposure. There were about 150-200 people there. Pretty impressive to me.

Time for Halo 2. My wife loves me right now. As she should.

So long suckers

I'm going to AZ to see a concert this weekend. It had better be good.

Michael out.

My Bible is full of mistakes

So I'm in class right now, learning about the difference between inerrancy and infallibility, specifically as it relates to the Bible. It's an interesting conversation, because the words are not synonymous, and Christians get pretty hung up on the importance of those two things. Here's my thoughts on it mixed with Dr. Kenneth Waters:

Inerrant - without material error (scientific, historical, geographical, grammatical, etc)

Infallible - without cognitive error (theological, moral, soteriological, etc.)

Now, there are those who are certain the Bible is without any kind of error at all, and I have problem with this and here's why: THERE ARE MISTAKES IN THE BIBLE, i.e., Gospel accounts don't quite match, some verses contradict others (David tempted by God in II Samuel or David tempted by Satan in Chronicles), and blah, blah, blah. And within the idea of inerrancy, one must fight to maintain the perfection. You have a huge burden of responsibility because if only one mistake exists, your faith is shattered. You must use logical reasons (and some of them are quite valid) to explain the "errors" away.

On the other hand, if you accept that the Bible has mistakes, at what point can you believe it? At what point can you say, "Well, this part's wrong, but this one's right. Why? Because it just is!" It seems like such a slippery slope if you admit that there is even one mistake because then there might be others.

But what if there was a way to believe what the Bible had to say without believing the way it was said is perfect? If we don't get hung up on the perfection of the Bible, we can get hung up on more important concepts, like Christ. For catssake, Jesus said that HE would be a stumbling block, not God's Word. The concepts contained within the Bible (love, justice, hope) are far more important than tracing back the root of a "mistake" (is it translation error, or something else?) so that we can espouse a viewpoint.

If I begin a discussion with someone about the perfection of Shakespeare's work, say Romeo and Juliet, and say that each word in it is perfectly contained in a textbook I have and that each one of the phrases in that play tells me how to live my life and that all this person needs to do is read the play and memorize it and their life will be changed, what have I done? I've given the person I'm talking to serveral different roadblocks to life change. And if fault can be found in anyone of those concepts (perfection of the document, phrases changing life, memorization of document's truth, etc), their "faith" in Romeo and Juliet will fall apart. And it's not because the document is faulted; it's because the method is faulted. If I instead read Romeo and Juliet, am so moved by the story (the love and sacrifice and tragedy) that I start digging deeper and deeper into the characters and setting and try to appreciate the beauty of Old English and the use of literary devices and transforming depth of the story itself. After that, I try to live my life like Romeo and give everything I have to love. Certainly, living a life like that would give people a good idea what Romeo and Juliet is about and how it could change their life, too.

I don't want to take the analogy too far because I'm afraid it won't hold up (and I don't know how evangelism fits into it, but for that matter I don't know how evangelism fits into life) but the point remains: the transforming power of God is not limited by a document, Holy Scriptures or otherwise. The issue at stake is not whether the Bible is flawless; the issue is whether or not I believe God can use anything to bring people to Himself. And that's where my faith lies. I believe the Bible contains truth (and ultimately, The Truth) but I don't believe that "truth" means to me what it meant to the writers of the Bible. The Bible is a book written thousands of years ago with tens of human authors that contains the story of God interacting with the world over the course of 4000 years. And it's beautiful. And it's full of love and ultimately Love.

God is bigger than any document and the Truth will set people free despite our 20th century, American concepts of truth (ie, truth must be historically accurate and scientifically proven). He brings hope to the hopeless and love to the unloved and faith to those who believe. He redeems that which has no worth. And He will continue to do so despite what anyone thinks of His book.